Stupid Superstitions

I know it sounds silly, but when you are trying to get pregnant for as long as I have, stupid superstitions will haunt you. Like somehow starting a blog on infertility would ironically help me get pregnant. Haha. I wish. And with starting a blog, you have to chose a color and background. Oh no, here we go again...I never realized how colors like pink and blue now annoy the heck out of me. Hmm...here's a good one: A greenish-yellow, like soggy eggs, like how I'm feeling, with cute swirls. Yep, that'll be my background.

I would say the best and worst time for me is during my "two week waiting period." During that time, I am always thinking in the back of my mind that "I might be pregnant." And depending on how I am feeling that day, it could be a bad thing or a good thing. The bad thing is when those stupid superstitions come into play. This thought of "maybe I'm pregnant" starts to rule my life. I think things like "Ugh, my back hurts. I need like 800mg of advil. Oh, I might be pregnant. Better take tylonol instead, even though it does nothing for me." "Oh, I better not eat that deli sandwich from Subway. I might be pregnant. I hear that the deli meat has a bacteria on it that can cause miscarriage." "I better not move that furniture or lift anything heavy...I might be pregnant." "Oh, no caffeine for me." This thought of "I might be pregnant" has literally cause a panic attack on a mountain, skiing once. It was my first time skiing at The Canyons so I didn't know my way around the slopes. (Trusting that my sister, who had been there several times, wouldn't take me anywhere too difficult.) Wrong. My sister's way of helping me learn how to ski better was forcing me into black diamond hills. I remember thinking "What am I doing here? I might be pregnant. I shouldn't be skiing." So on top of being out of my comfort zone with my skiing skills, I'm now being controlled by these stupid superstitions. I broke down right there in front of everyone on the slope having a full on panic attack. My husband was there, bless his heart, to try and help me, but my fear of going down a now icy black diamond hill and fear of being pregnant took over. It was embarrassing, but the ski patrol ended up carrying me down. It sucks, because it's always there in the back of my mind. Especially after having two miscarraiges , I'm worried about when I finally do get pregnant, if it will happen at all, about my well being. Am I going to be able to handle being pregnant without letting the stress take over? I think I will need some serious counseling if I ever do get pregnant for fear that I might loose it. (Both the baby and my mind.) I get pissed off when I hear of pregnant women doing stupid things like skiing when they are pregnant, going boating, four wheeling, or especially things like smoking/drinking! Hello!!!! It's like they have no worries at all about what they are doing when they are pregnant. They live care free like they aren't pregnant at all! I wish I could do that: live carefree and I'm not even pregnant!!!! It is impossible for me to just live my life and not let those stupid superstitions of "possibly being pregnant" take over.

But then there are good times when the thought of possible being pregnant help me. Like in yoga, during meditation. I try and imagine what is going on in my uterus. Visualizing the multiplying embryo finding a nice spot to grow. Or when I run into a friend or a patient at work who is pregnant, I have to think positively...maybe I am pregnant too. But to be honest, after more than three years of trying, that thought is permanently in the back of my mind. It's hard to just let it go and live my life. I wish I could do that.