Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Going back and forth...stuck somewhere in the middle.

So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Not in a hurry to move forward with making any decisions regarding our infertility, but definitely out of the funk from the past, and not looking back. And feeling a little better thanks to some new "happy pills." I would say that being somewhere in the middle is like taking a step upwards out of my depression. But being in the middle means I'm going back in forth in my head in regards to a lot of things. Do we do IVF again? Am I ready? Some days it's yes, some days it's no. Do we look into adoption. Do I want to adopt? Some days it's yes, some days it's no.

But I will say the one thing I know I'm ready for, and that is to be a parent. And I know I'm willing to do anything to get our babies here. We've already made the decision that the option of living childfree is not in the picture for both of us. We don't like the idea of a donor egg or sperm, I'd rather adopt. And I wouldn't mind using a surrogate, but it's so freaking expensive. I know some day I will have a child. But I know that having a child, whether biological or adopted, will not cure my infertility. And if I did miraculously have a biological child, the infertility will still be there when the time comes that my child asks for a brother or sister. I've come to accept that my infertility is something that will be a life long battle. It will always be there. Learning how to cope with it, and incorporate it into my life is, and continues to be a challenge. I don't think my insecurities and emotions from my infertility will ever go away.

One thing about being in the middle is that it is safe. No risks, no changes, everything is the same. I'm still not pregnant and probably won't get pregnant without help. What's frustrating is that we still have unexplained infertility. I feel that's one of the reasons why we haven't moved forward with another IVF is because I'm afraid if we do it again, the same thing will happen and I'll have another miscarriage. We did do the expensive genetic testing and it came back normal...which is good, but bad in that they still haven't found out why it's been so difficult to get pregnant or why I've had two miscarriages. And where I've been pregnant before, I still have hope. I wish they could find something wrong so I could get closure, or make it easier for me to want to adopt. If I knew my uterus was incapable of carrying a child or I had ovarian cancer and had to have all my female organs removed so I could never get pregnant, I could morn it and move on with adoption. But because there is no "diagnosis" and everything looks "normal" it's hard for me to move on. Because I've been pregnant, I still have hope. Ugh, I hate hope.

My more humorous side thinks that having a surrogate or adopting would be great. Then I wouldn't have to worry about my body going out of whack with stretch marks and hormone changes. I wouldn't have the stress of being pregnant and constantly worrying if something is wrong or about having a miscarriage. I'd skip the scary labor part. Nor would I get postpartum depression. (I apologize to people ahead of time if I ever do get prego. I WILL be one of those annoying paranoid pregnant women/moms who will need a lot of TLC from the Doctor's office.) I've jokingly said that I think Michelle Duggar, from TLC's 19 Kids and counting should be my surrogate.

I called and tried to make an appointment the other day for an IVF consultation on one of those days I was feeling gung-ho about doing IVF again, but their computers were down, so I have to wait and call back when their computers are up and running again. Maybe it's a sign I should wait. (I'm always looking into "signs" with my infertility.) Haha. Who knows? Anyway, I'm still somewhere in the middle...not sure what I'm going to do. :P I think I want to do IVF again, but if it doesn't work for us, I want to get to the point where I can be more open minded about adoption. To be honest, adoption still scares me a little. All I know is that there is no where but moving forward into my future...sometime in the future, but just not right now. Now I want to stay safe in the middle. No risks, no changes, everything is the same, safe in the middle.