Friday, January 14, 2011
I know I kind of disappeared during the holidays. The holidays are HARD when you are involuntary childless. I've done a lot of introspection and thinking about where I am at emotionally since my last post. I guess you can say November for me, though it was a difficult month, was sort of a break through. I believe I needed that second phase of grieving to be able to move forward. I believe that since my IVF failed in May, that I've been living in a state of denial. I thought, well...if we didn't have help through insurance for genetic testing, or any other testing, then there was no point in moving forward. When my husband finally got a new job in August, and got a better insurance in September, I still ignored making that phone call to the new insurance company to see if they would help cover genetic testing. I ignored making that call because that meant I was moving forward, and I wasn't ready to move forward yet. November came, and I needed to make that call to the insurance company. Mainly because not knowing what my infertility diagnosis is, was eating me up inside. I know something is wrong and we haven't found it yet. Unexplained infertility is my diagnosis still. I believe having to make that call to the insurance was the trigger that sent me into an emotional roller coaster ride.
To update you on the insurance issue, we are STILL waiting to hear back from them. We had our fertility clinic send a pre-authorization to see if they will help us cover the genetic testing. (Our insurance company is suppose to cover infertility diagnostic testing, but genetic testing can be an exception to the rule, so we have to get permission from the insurance first.) Genetic testing is EXPENSIVE, and we'd rather use that money towards another IVF. Well we called the insurance company, since we haven't heard anything and it's turned into this big fiasco of miscommunication between the insurance and the fertility clinic. I was on the phone with the insurance company, asking questions, and I guess I wasn't being assertive enough, so my husband grabbed for the phone and took over. It was nice to see that he was making an effort to help and stick up for me in a way. Basically we now have the information of the person who is overseeing our case with the insurance company, and the person who will be communicating with the insurance from the fertility clinic...supposedly they are getting this rolling for us. But it's frustrating. I'm at the point of, lets just get the testing done and I don't care how much it's going to cost.
Well, after going through some difficult last few months, (and still grieving) I've decided that I need some help. I made an appointment with a counselor. She is up at the Univ. Hosp. and specializes in infertility. The insecurities of infertility is on my mind 24/7. I'm glad I did this because the day of my first appointment is the day before what would have been our baby's due date January 20th. That for me will be a difficult day. It's funny to think how "anniversaries" of certain days can trigger these emotional spells of depression. Christmas...Oh look, another Christmas without our baby. Last Christmas, and the Christmas before, I was sure that the following Christmas we'd have our baby, and still no children opening up gifts under the tree. New Years...Oh maybe, just maybe this year will be the year I get pregnant. No, just another year to go by with out any luck....I wonder what more bad stuff can happen to us in 2011. Seriously, after having the most difficult 5 years of marriage, particularly the last three years, what more can be thrown in our faces? I'm glad I've married my best friend to get me through all this crap. Birthdays are just depressing because I'm another year older, reaffirming my biological clock is ticking, and I'm running out of time. And our first miscarriage's baby's due date was the day after my birthday...I also was newly grieving over the news of our failed IVF (early miscarriage) around that time. Well you get the idea. Certain dates trigger emotional upsets.
Also, something I wish I would have found a lot earlier in my struggle with infertility is a website called www.resolve.org. It's the National Infertility Association's website. It is the best infertility website!!! Through this website, I also was able to find a support group, which I attended for the first time Wednesday night. I was walking my dogs in my neighborhood and came across a building with a sign on the front window "Fertility by Design." I thought "What?" "A fertility place, literally behind my house?" So I went online as soon as I got home to look up this "Fertility by Design". It turns out, at least I think, that it is an office for the website itself. But there was a link on Fertility by Design's page, which led me to www.resolve.org. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is what I've been looking for! You would think that with struggling with infertility for so long, I would have found this sooner, but I will attribute it to living in Utah...The most ignorant and unfriendly to infertile's State to live in! (My opinion)
So I went to the doctor last Friday, you know, for my regular check-up, pap...blah. I went to a new doctor, because my old one had moved. So I get to the office, dreading this visit because I know there will be "The Wall." (Baby photos of this months new arrivals!) But not only that, the whole office is covered in large portraits of babies. You know, like the cute calendar babies in flowers. I get into the exam room and there's a large portrait of twins. I look over to the other wall in the exam room and there are pamphlets of different disorders like polycystic ovarian disorder, ovarian cancer, endometriosis...and I'm thinking to myself: "Where's the pamphlet on Infertility?"
I still want to try IVF again, but obviously find out what's wrong before. I'm moving forward slowly, but I am moving forward. That's what counts. I've had good dreams this week too. One was that I saw myself pregnant in a mirror, wearing a black and white shirt, and I was smiling back at myself. Another dream was that I was in St. George with my in-laws, brother in-laws and their families celebrating Easter, and we were at my in-law's new home they built (which they currently have property down there.) I was sitting on the floor with our little girl in my lap. We were flipping through a People magazine together, and my little girl was pointing to the shoes in the pictures saying "shoes!" "shoes!"Her first words :) I was so proud of her. In that dream I thought to myself "I love being a mom."