Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I have this image in my head. Some of you may laugh, some of you may be appalled ...But this is meant to be a comical post...hopefully. (with some dark humor-a warning.) It's my way of trying to find some humor in a horrible situation, so bare with me. Picture this: A music video of my life's experience with infertility with Rhianna's song "Disturbia" playing in the back ground. When this song came out in 2008, I was newly pregnant (finally), and I imagined myself doing a little pregnancy dance with my fat pregnant belly to this song during the "Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum dum."Unfortunately, I never did get to do that pregnancy dance to that song with a full preggy belly because of my miscarriage. So now, of course, every time I hear this song it reminds me of pregnant bellies. Blah! I think about all those preggy bellies I come across in a day, just mocking me, living in "Disturbia" (Utah) If you have a preggy belly, trust me, I'm the first one who notices. You come out of no where. Seriously! Anyway, it wasn't until I paid attention to the words to Disturbia, that I realized this song really could be interpreted on how someone experiencing infertility views the world she lives in. Well, here it is:

P.S. If you are pregnant. Don't read this. This is a Satire on pregnancy and infertility. You vs. Me.

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Taking a preggy test, to find it's positive. Do the preggy dance.)
What’s wrong with me? (Dr. tells you, you had a miscarriage.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (See a fellow preggy friend, after finding out about miscarriage.)
Why do I feel like this? (Crying in bed, husband brings me the dog to cuddle with.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Back at work, co-worker announces their pregnancy.)
I’m going crazy now (Everywhere: a preggy belly: grocery store, chiropractor, gym.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Commercials on TV: Octomom!. -Really?)

No more gas in the rig (Not mo-jo left to "try.")
(Can’t even get it started) (Don't want to get out of bed this morning.)
Nothing heard, nothing said (Awkward for other people, not knowing what to say.)
(Can’t even speak about it) (Yep, don't want to talk about it...it didn't happen.)
All my life on my head (Infertility on my mind 24/7!)
(Don’t want to think about it) (Why can't I think of anything else?)
Feels like I’m going insane (more crying)

Yeah… (Another preggy test: Yep, negative...negative...NEGATIVE!!!!)

It’s a thief in the night (Bloated, peeing lots, 2:30am pee again? ...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
To come and grab you (My boobs are sore, nips are sore...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
It can creep up inside you (Don't drink Caffeine. ...Maybe I'm pregnant.)
And consume you (Don't eat too much sugar. ...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
A disease of the mind (Don't over do it at the gym. ...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
It can control you (Maybe I'm pregnant, Maybe I'm pregnant, Maybe I'm pregnant.)
It’s too close for comfort (No!!!! Negative....Stupid fertility meds. and their side effects!)

Throw on your break lights (Everyone whose pregnant, let's throw the spotlight on you!)
We’re in the city of wonder (We're in Utah, from Provo to Logan, cities of wonder! Disturbia)
Ain’t gonna play nice (People my age with 3...4...5 kids...and another on the way!)
Watch out, you might just go under (I'm drowning in a sea of pregnant people!)
Better think twice (Double take, are those Twins! Really?)
Your train of thought will be altered (more crying...why GOD?)
So if you must faulter be wise (I don't fit in here.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Infertility depression.)
It’s like the darkness is the light (The Devil can't have children...he's trying to be my friend.)
Disturbia (Depression-leave me alone.)
Am I scaring you tonight (Am I scaring you?...cause this is what it's like.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Why GOD, what did I do? Make Satan go away.)
Ain’t used to what you like (I know, I put you out of your comfort zone reading this.)
Disturbia (Now you are starting to get the picture?)
Disturbia (This is it. The world of infertility.)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (And que the full preggy belly: "Pregnancy Dance", go!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (All you ladies with your preggy belly, get on the dance floor!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Mock me with your preggy bellies!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Mock me with your cute babies and their baby carriers!)

Faded pictures on the wall (Faded dreams of having children, as each month, year passes.)
(It’s like they talkin’ to me) (Or "Wall of Babies"-photos at the OBGYN's...tease, laugh, scorn.)
Disconnectin’ your call (Disconnecting with friends who now are preggy or have kids.)
(Your phone don’t even ring) (Isolation: No one can relate with you.)
I gotta get out (I gotta get out of Utah.)
Or figure this sh** out (Doctor's can't figure this sh** out,"Unexplained Infertility" BS!)
It’s too close for comfort (You're preggy? Go away! -No Offense.)
Ohohoh… (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

It’s a thief in the night (Imagine you were robed of your biological right to have children.)
To come and grab you (Suddenly your children disappeared, who are you now?)
It can creep up inside you (Imagine only feeling a dead baby inside you.)
And consume you (Not knowing why you can't have kids: eats you alive.)
A disease of the mind (You feel inadequate as a human being. You're broken.)
It can control you (Imagine tattooing the words: "Incomplete" across you belly.)
I feel like a monster (You feel like an "IT" more than a "Woman.")

Ohohoh… (Ahhhhhhhhh! Yes I'm screaming in my head again!)

Throw on your break lights (Hold up! Wake up! Let's shed some light on infertility.)
We’re in the city of wonder (city you like) (Yes, Utah. You are the MOST ignorant State on Infertility!)
Ain’t gonna play nice (Not everyone lives this "Perfect Family" lifestyle you've created.)
Watch out, you might just go under (Watch out, if your not "perfect" you won't fit in.)
Better think twice (think twice) (Sorry, we "All" don't get married or "All" have kids or both.)
Your train of thought will be altered (Let's look outside the box, walk in someone else's shoes.)
So if you must faulter be wise (be wise) (So when life doesn't go as planned, judging fingers don't point.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Utah and your preggy bellies, You are my Disturbia!)
It’s like the darkness is the light (It's like the illusion of having "Family" is a lie. I'm infertile.)
Disturbia (I'm jealous.)
Am I scaring you tonight, disturbia (Your pregnant bellies are haunting me.)
Ain’t used to what you like (what you like) (I can't go anywhere without seeing a preggy gal.)
Disturbia (P.S. JoAnn's Fabric is "Mommy Mecca", I'll avoid that store.)
Disturbia (Seriously, I went there, and I nearly had a panic attack.)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (And que the mocking "Pregnant Belly Dance"-Go!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (The preggy ladies in line, with your babies hang'n out the cart)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum ("It's a Mom's world; We're here to help" signs at grocery store)
Disturbia… (A whole mall of preggy woman doing a flash dance.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (I knew I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.)

Release me from this curse, I mean (More preggy patients at work, for me to work with.)
I’m trying to remain tame (Here we go, I have to fake like I'm interested in her pregnancy.)
But I’m struggling (Fake smile....fake smile...fake smile......)

You can’t go, go, go (I can't keep going like this.)
I think I’m going to oh, oh, oh (I think I'm going to throw up. Oh wait no, that would mean...)

Throw on your break lights (Stupid picture on my prenatal vitamins of a preggy woman.)
We’re in the city of wonder (Stupid celebrity magazine with preggy mom's an new babies!)
Ain’t gonna play nice (Stupid Octomom! Again? Seriously God, why her and not me?)
Watch out, you might just go under (Stupid people telling me I have "other options.")

Better think twice (I'll adopt when we're ready to, not because you tell me to.)

Your train of thought will be altered (Stupid TV, you are my friend. I'm addicted to you, I have no life.)

So if you must faulter be wise (Stupid Twilight books, I had to stop reading, cause Bella's preg.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Stupid preg. lady at chiropractor, complaining about pregnancy.)
It’s like the darkness is the light (Opps! Did I just accidentally step on her glasses she dropped?)
Disturbia (Ha! ...well they did happen to land right under my foot.)
Am I scaring you tonight, disturbia (Stupid body being late...seriously a up to 10 days late at times.)
Ain’t used to what you like (Stupid years of Negative pregnancy tests!)
Disturbia (Stupid IUI's and IVF that didn't work...empty sac.)
Disturbia (Stupid miscarriages. Stupid Doctors. Stupid Insurance.)

(Stupid cost of infertility, and anyone trying to make a dollar off this sucky situation! Greedy jerks!)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (And que the mocking "Pregnant Belly Dance.")
Bum bum be-dum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (I hope one day, my future self can do the mocking
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum "Pregnant Belly Dance" at my past self.")

Thank you Rhianna for this song.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Time for a New Post

I know I kind of disappeared during the holidays. The holidays are HARD when you are involuntary childless. I've done a lot of introspection and thinking about where I am at emotionally since my last post. I guess you can say November for me, though it was a difficult month, was sort of a break through. I believe I needed that second phase of grieving to be able to move forward. I believe that since my IVF failed in May, that I've been living in a state of denial. I thought, well...if we didn't have help through insurance for genetic testing, or any other testing, then there was no point in moving forward. When my husband finally got a new job in August, and got a better insurance in September, I still ignored making that phone call to the new insurance company to see if they would help cover genetic testing. I ignored making that call because that meant I was moving forward, and I wasn't ready to move forward yet. November came, and I needed to make that call to the insurance company. Mainly because not knowing what my infertility diagnosis is, was eating me up inside. I know something is wrong and we haven't found it yet. Unexplained infertility is my diagnosis still. I believe having to make that call to the insurance was the trigger that sent me into an emotional roller coaster ride.

To update you on the insurance issue, we are STILL waiting to hear back from them. We had our fertility clinic send a pre-authorization to see if they will help us cover the genetic testing. (Our insurance company is suppose to cover infertility diagnostic testing, but genetic testing can be an exception to the rule, so we have to get permission from the insurance first.) Genetic testing is EXPENSIVE, and we'd rather use that money towards another IVF. Well we called the insurance company, since we haven't heard anything and it's turned into this big fiasco of miscommunication between the insurance and the fertility clinic. I was on the phone with the insurance company, asking questions, and I guess I wasn't being assertive enough, so my husband grabbed for the phone and took over. It was nice to see that he was making an effort to help and stick up for me in a way. Basically we now have the information of the person who is overseeing our case with the insurance company, and the person who will be communicating with the insurance from the fertility clinic...supposedly they are getting this rolling for us. But it's frustrating. I'm at the point of, lets just get the testing done and I don't care how much it's going to cost.

Well, after going through some difficult last few months, (and still grieving) I've decided that I need some help. I made an appointment with a counselor. She is up at the Univ. Hosp. and specializes in infertility. The insecurities of infertility is on my mind 24/7. I'm glad I did this because the day of my first appointment is the day before what would have been our baby's due date January 20th. That for me will be a difficult day. It's funny to think how "anniversaries" of certain days can trigger these emotional spells of depression. Christmas...Oh look, another Christmas without our baby. Last Christmas, and the Christmas before, I was sure that the following Christmas we'd have our baby, and still no children opening up gifts under the tree. New Years...Oh maybe, just maybe this year will be the year I get pregnant. No, just another year to go by with out any luck....I wonder what more bad stuff can happen to us in 2011. Seriously, after having the most difficult 5 years of marriage, particularly the last three years, what more can be thrown in our faces? I'm glad I've married my best friend to get me through all this crap. Birthdays are just depressing because I'm another year older, reaffirming my biological clock is ticking, and I'm running out of time. And our first miscarriage's baby's due date was the day after my birthday...I also was newly grieving over the news of our failed IVF (early miscarriage) around that time. Well you get the idea. Certain dates trigger emotional upsets.

Also, something I wish I would have found a lot earlier in my struggle with infertility is a website called www.resolve.org. It's the National Infertility Association's website. It is the best infertility website!!! Through this website, I also was able to find a support group, which I attended for the first time Wednesday night. I was walking my dogs in my neighborhood and came across a building with a sign on the front window "Fertility by Design." I thought "What?" "A fertility place, literally behind my house?" So I went online as soon as I got home to look up this "Fertility by Design". It turns out, at least I think, that it is an office for the website itself. But there was a link on Fertility by Design's page, which led me to www.resolve.org. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is what I've been looking for! You would think that with struggling with infertility for so long, I would have found this sooner, but I will attribute it to living in Utah...The most ignorant and unfriendly to infertile's State to live in! (My opinion)
So I went to the doctor last Friday, you know, for my regular check-up, pap...blah. I went to a new doctor, because my old one had moved. So I get to the office, dreading this visit because I know there will be "The Wall." (Baby photos of this months new arrivals!) But not only that, the whole office is covered in large portraits of babies. You know, like the cute calendar babies in flowers. I get into the exam room and there's a large portrait of twins. I look over to the other wall in the exam room and there are pamphlets of different disorders like polycystic ovarian disorder, ovarian cancer, endometriosis...and I'm thinking to myself: "Where's the pamphlet on Infertility?"

I still want to try IVF again, but obviously find out what's wrong before. I'm moving forward slowly, but I am moving forward. That's what counts. I've had good dreams this week too. One was that I saw myself pregnant in a mirror, wearing a black and white shirt, and I was smiling back at myself. Another dream was that I was in St. George with my in-laws, brother in-laws and their families celebrating Easter, and we were at my in-law's new home they built (which they currently have property down there.) I was sitting on the floor with our little girl in my lap. We were flipping through a People magazine together, and my little girl was pointing to the shoes in the pictures saying "shoes!" "shoes!"Her first words :) I was so proud of her. In that dream I thought to myself "I love being a mom."