Monday, November 21, 2011

Not sure where I fit in now: Pregnancy after Infertility

I know I haven't posted in a while, but for good reason. I haven't really had anything to contribute to my blog since it is about infertility. (Now that I've found myself on the other side of infertility.) Yes, our second IVF resulted in pregnancy! :) I've wanted to wait a while before posting anything new, because I didn't want to jinx it. We've made it to 12 weeks as of last Friday. Even though you would think we would be shouting for joy at this point, I feel like I can't really shout for joy until they are safely here. (Yes, "they" as in TWINS!) This pregnancy thing is a roller-coaster ride in itself. Especially after infertility, I am so paranoid.

What's funny is, that once you share with a few people that you are pregnant and have experienced infertility and miscarriages, they seem to want to tell you all their horror stories, or horror stories about other people they've know. (Like they can even relate.) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!! LA-LA-LA...I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Okay, part of me wants to know some things, like hearing stories from former infertiles like myself who can relate with me. But seriously, I told this one gal that I was having twins, and she was like: "Oh yeah, my best friend was pregnant with twins, but then she lost them. Now she's pregnant again." (Um...rude? I'm already freaking out. Thanks, but no thanks!) One week I heard two different people's stories about them losing one of their twins. :( Sad. The part of me that wants to know, is to know what to expect if something does go wrong. The other part of me that wants to know is the part where things have turned out a friend who experienced spotting/bleeding, but then everything was okay.

So hearing all these stories from people has also caused some nightmares. I've had two dreams about waking up in bed with massive bleeding, but then I really wake up and I'm fine. Another dream I had was last week. In my dream we just had the babies, and a nurse comes to the side of my hospital bed, and tells me that they did all they could do, but they couldn't get my baby to breath. Ugh! Marc, ironically had a dream that same night that I had miscarried with one of the babies. I've been told that those dreams only manifest the worries that we both have about our little ones and the pregnancy. And not to take them too seriously. But still....SCARY!

Another thing about pregnancy after infertility is that I don't know where I quit fit in. It's like I'm being ushered into the pregnancy and moma world, when I still feel like I'm infertile. I remember seeing a gal who was well into her pregnancy and still feeling those jealous feelings, even though I was pregnant too. It was like I had to take a double take, and remind myself I was pregnant too. I don't want to make my friends in my support group uncomfortable by being around them, especially when I start showing, but I still feel like I'm a one of them. And technically I am still one of them. It's not like I can just get pregnant when I want to like most people. Still after having these babies, I will still be infertile. It's not like baby number 3 will come easy for us either. (Remember, my eggs suck.) We'll have secondary infertility, but it still is a form of infertility. On the flip side, when friends who share the good parts about being pregnant, and funny stories, it's like all the sudden I'm included on these conversations, which normally I would exclude myself from hearing. It's different.

As far as everything has gone, I have had a lot of nausea and visit with "Ralph." I know this may sound funny, but I love throwing up. It's like my babies are saying "Hi" to me. It's the only thing that makes me feel like this is actually real. That I am actually pregnant. I've heard that vomiting is a good sign the pregnancy is healthy. But who knows, someone may have made that up to make us feel better. It's been nearly almost everyday since hitting the 7 week mark that I've had to run to the toilet to ralph. Sometimes up to 3 times a day. (I've heard that twins or multiples can exacerbate nausea in pregnancy.) Now that I've reached 12 weeks, the nausea has seemed to taper off. But I still get a little here and there. The bad thing is that it comes quickly without warning. Sometimes I'm not ready for it. And there I am holding my mouth trying to make it to the bathroom fast enough. Gross, I know. But I gotta love it!

Our first ultrasound was at 7 weeks with the fertility clinic, UCRM. I was really anxious and was having flashbacks of our first miscarriage where the doctor didn't find a heartbeat. But actually seeing the heartbeats and hearing the heartbeats was the coolest thing. Our second visit was with my regular OBGYN at 10 & 1/2 weeks, and what was even cooler than the heartbeats was to see them both moving on the ultrasound. I didn't expect to see them move that early! I did have some light spotting a couple days after my 10 week appointment, so my doctor had me come it. Turns out that the bleeding was probably left over blood from the implantation. It did give us a scare, but a relief to see that everything was okay and see them again on the ultrasound. My next visit will be Dec 9th. And hopefully everything will be okay. I'm still so nervous about going to those appointments.