Is this real? Are you real? And are you real? My babies are almost 5 months old now. And I still find myself asking this question. It still seems like yesterday when I was battling my demons of infertility. It's like I'm still waiting to wake up from this dream of bliss and find myself back in time in that dark hole of depression. I occasionally catch glimpses of myself in the bathroom mirror with one of my twins as I walk down the hall, and think to myself...this is crazy, this is so unreal. They are here! Finally! About this time, a year ago, I found out I was pregnant. Doing IVF a second time was scary. I knew what it was like to have IVF fail. I realized that my life was about to change and it could only take one of two paths. And it all depended on a stupid pee stick. Pregnant or not pregnant. I had decided that this was the last time we were to try IVF again. I realized that if it didn't work, we would turn to adoption. I knew I was suppose to be a mom. I could feel their presence. What mattered is that THEY got here and NOT how they got here. I don't know how my life would have turned out, had my pregnancy test been negative, but I'm sure that those two little spirits would have found some way to make it to our family.
Though sometimes I wonder if my pregnancy test had been negative, would I have fallen back into that dark hole of depression, or would I have looked optimistically towards adoption? I'd like to think that it would have been the latter. There was a moment, were I thought my second IVF had failed. A couple of days before I was suppose to find out from the Fertility clinic, the results from a blood test, I had started spotting. I thought my period had begun. I remember that moment so clear...."No! No! NO!" I said. I thought: "It was over." I started crying and cuddled up on the bed with my dog Isabelle. She stayed with my while I cried. I let myself cry for about an hour. (Marc wasn't home yet from work.) But after an hour, I remember thinking, "Okay, so we're suppose to adopt." and I had stopped crying. I still laid there, cuddled up with Izzy, when my sister-in law had called. She convinced me to take a prego test. It said "Pregnant" and my immediate thought was "What?" (I wasn't expecting it to say pregnant.) I guess I had some implantation spotting. In that small period of an hour, I felt what it felt like to have our second IVF fail a second time, and I didn't fall completely apart like I did with the first failed IVF.
One thing I learned during those last few difficult months of infertility was that I decided to take joy in other people's happiness when it came to someone else's pregnancy. I tried ( I TRIED, though it was difficult.) to be happy for them, even if they didn't appreciate the miracle it was to become pregnant, at least I would appreciate it for them. I still to this day am SO SO thankful for my two little miracles. How did I get so lucky? How did I get two???? But like that Pampers commercial that I love so much: "Every baby is a miracle." I've also realized that everyone is a miracle, and to appreciate the time that we are given with them, because each moment you spend with a loved one is SO precious. Whether it be a Child, a Spouse, a Mom, a Dad, an In-law, a Grandparent, a Cousin, or a Friend, each moment is a blessing. Though there have been some difficult days with twin infants already, I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I remember that when things get a little hectic.
To give you an update, since I last posted at 20 weeks of pregnancy. I was very fortunate to have made it to 38 weeks with my twins. My twins were both healthy, (with a minor hiccup) I had a C-section, by choice, and I never went into any labor. (Which I dreaded. Thank goodness!) It was hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy at first until after I reached 25- 30 weeks, since I was so paranoid. I remember even being worried at my baby shower, would I have to take all this baby crap back if something went wrong.? I didn't really buy things for the nursery or outfits until late into my pregnancy. I don't think it really sank in until the end. But I did everything that I wanted to do while I was pregnant...Meaning, I got professional pregnancy photos, I painted my belly with foot prints, and Marc painted a globe of the world on my belly. I did yoga up until 36 weeks of my pregnancy. I ate healthy and drank a TON of water. By the time I was ending my pregnancy, I finally allowed myself to buy baby clothes and decked out the nursery. My sister took me out to buy a "petunia-pickle-bottom" diaper bag for her baby shower gift to me...though we found a black/white/red "Ju Ju Be" diaper bag that I liked even better. My sister also through me a baby shower that was equivalent to a Celebrity Baby Shower...she spoiled me. And my dad helped paint the nursery. Marc and I put headphones over my belly and let the babies hear Dave Mathews band, Mumford and Sons, The Killers, Enya....and so on. Marc talked to the babies through my belly. I loved feeling them kick, even though little Austin liked to wake me up around 2 in the morning...he still does that too.... As far as breastfeeding goes...I tried, I really did try, but it just wasn't for me. They got breast milk for the first two months. I had enough for one baby, but not two, so I pumped and mixed it with formula. I never got that "overwhelming feeling of love" that some women say they get while they breastfeed...I was just overwhelmed. I didn't like how my breast felt. And I think with infertility, I worked up in my head what I thought breastfeeding would be like. I got more that feeling of love, when I bottle fed them and they stared into my eyes. With breastfeeding, I just felt like they were smashed up against my boob. (TMI, sorry.)
As far as our little "hiccup" goes, everything is perfectly fine now, but Ava was born with craniosynostosis. Which means that part of her fontanels in her head prematurely fused. I guess it's common in twins. Her head looked like a kidney bean for a while. They told us we needed to lie her on her left side to take the pressure off her brain, and that she would most likely need surgery and a helmet to shape her head correctly. My husband gave her a blessing while we were in the hospital, and we all had a feeling that she would be alright. We took her down to Primary Children's Hospital to have her looked at by a specialist, who was a guru on a less invasive surgery for her condition. We had to wait till she was a month old to do a CT scan, which showed that all her major fontanels were open and that she didn't need to have surgery. :) I took her down to Primary Children's again at 4 months, just recently, and the specialist said she did not need to wear a helmet either, and that her defect in her skull was so minor that her hair would cover it up, and most likely resolve on it's own by the time she is 2 years old. So everything is all good, like I said.