You know, I feel like the instant I was born, I was trained to become a mother. It's like they immediately through a doll into your arms and tell you that your whole purpose in life is to become a mother. I even planned my life around becoming a mom with my education and career choice. You go to an LDS church and that's all you hear about growing up; is about your divine role to become a mother. You do what you're told, wait till marriage to have sex so you don't get pregnant, and then when you get married and want to get pregnant, you can't. It's not fair! The LDS church is SO overly family oriented. (Not that that's a bad thing.) But when you don't have kids of your own, or still single for that matter, you sort of feel like an outcast. At least most bible stories about women are those like Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah, who also, like me, struggled with infertility. I like to think that because I struggle with infertility, that one day I will also have and important child like Issac, Joseph, or Samuel. A kid who becomes a world leader or a Prophet. Haha...I can only wish. I can relate with Rachel, seeing other women pregnant. Genisis Chapter 30 vs. 1 "And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die." I've been through sorrow and tears like Hannah. 1 Samuel Chapter 1 vs. 6 and 10 "And her adversity also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord shut up her womb. And she was bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord, and wept sore." What's funny is that society is still SO ignorant today about infertility as they were in biblical times. Why haven't we gotten further with Infertility Awareness out in the public yet? We as women are made to feel as though we have no purpose without children. People look at you differently if you don't have children. And for those woman who chose not to have children, society has to question why. "What's wrong with her?" Like it's a bad thing that she doesn't want to have children. People are so judgmental...I'll get to that in a minute.
Speaking of being trained to be a mom: I grew up with a mom who ran a "second generation daycare" out of our home. My mom chose this career because that's what my grandmother did and she could still be home with her kids. My mom's motherly talents wore off on me as I honed my own skills; babysitting other families kids and working for her daycare throughout high school. Though I became just as good as my mom is with kids, I was determined not to be the third generation daycare provider. And thank goodness for that, I would have hated my life caring for other people's children, meanwhile not being able to have my own. But back then as a teenager, I had other plans. I didn't want to become a daycare provider because I didn't want my house smelling like dirty diapers forever. I also didn't want my child to have to worry about accidentally leaving a small item like a pencil from homework in my room, have some daycare kid choke on it, and then threaten my license for daycare. I became a neat freak because of that. But like my mom, I also planned my career choice around becoming a mom, because I knew how important it would be for me to spend time with my children and have flexibility with my job. Becoming a dental hygienist offered me that flexibility. Even if I eventually decided to only work part time or even one day a week, I could have that option. I knew it was important for me to finish my education, heaven forbid anything like unemployment, sickness, or injury befell my husband. (haha) I didn't want to be one of those LDS girls who got married at 19 and got pregnant right away. To be honest, that scared the crap out of me. I know of some girls who did get married straight out of high school and got divorced later on, and three children later and no education...now what? I guess I just didn't want to be like my mom who never finished her education, got married young, and did daycare for a living. Don't get me wrong. I love that age group of 0-5 years of age. I just wouldn't want to deal with it for 30 something plus years. And my mom is EXCELLENT at what she does. I only wish she could live closer to help when I finally have kids.
So getting back to people being judgmental and/or ignorant. I came across a website on insensitive comments and infertility. Anyone going through infertility will come across some dumb idiot who wants to tell you what they think, without regard to your feelings. And the things that people will say are SO insensitive and they don't even realize it! I know most people mean well, but there are ways of saying things without being hurtful. I just want people to be aware of what they say to me and other's going through infertility. This website categorized four types of people and their comments: The Know-It-All, God's Messenger, The Miserable Parent, and The Blamer. I'd also like to add two more types of people of my own that I've come across with: The Joker and The Innocent Child.
Type One: The Know-It-All. This person thinks they have all the answers to your infertility problems. They will say things like: "It will happen." (Really? You actually know it will happen?) "You just need to relax." (Hello! I am relaxed; I don't have kids yet! I spend my time doing whatever I want...getting massages, going to the gym, spend my money on nice expensive clothing, travel on luxurious vacations. Trust me, I am more "relaxed" than you are!) They are the ones who will say things like: "Have you tried this/that?" (Yes, we've checked into everything and the Doctor's are still scratching their heads.) Type Two: God's Messenger. This person will say hurtful things like "Maybe having children isn't in God's plan for you." "Just Adopt." "If you adopt, then you'll get pregnant...I know a friend who...." You are selfish for wanting your own children. Their are foster kids out there who are abused and need homes." (Let me tell you something. Not everyone is cut out to handle foster children or has what it takes to be a foster parent...more power to those people who are able to do this. Adoption isn't right for just anyone either. I'm sure after struggling with infertility, and then having the mother change their mind about placing their child for adoption, after you've already taken that child home and bonded with them, and gotten everything else ready. Don't you think getting your hopes up for another adoption would be difficult and jaded?) Type Three: The Miserable Parent. They will say things like "Be careful what you wish for." "I'm so jealous of you with all your free time." (Yeah, you better be jealous of me like I am jealous of you. We always want what we can't have...and never appreciate what we do have. So you better appreciate your kids and treat them well! And yes, I do enjoy my free time, but with all that free time, it gets kind of lonely...I really do want a "mini-me.") Type Four: The Blamer. According to them, it's your own fault that you are having fertility issues. "You waited too long." "You need to gain/lose some weight." "Maybe you wouldn't have miscarried if you didn't drink caffeine that one day, or ate deli meat or sugar, or taken those hot showers." "Maybe if you did get pregnant, you would have a handicap child, because of bad genetics. You wouldn't want to take care of a handicap child for the rest of your life." (That one came from my own grandmother, believe it or not!) It's like they validate everything you've thought bad about yourself. I would like to add my own type now. Type Five: The Joker. These are some of the most hurtful comments anyone can make. They will say things out of feeling uncomfortable and are completely ignorant. They say things like: "You know you have to take your clothes off first, right?" "You know it goes in the hole, right?" "What's wrong with you? Can't your boy's swim?" I was listening to the radio one morning and heard a caller ask a guest fortune teller on the morning program about wether or not she would have children. This woman had struggled with infertility for four years. Thankfully the fortune teller said that she would get pregnant, but the radio talk show host were making fun of this poor woman saying comments like those mentioned above. I was disgusted and e-mailed that radio station...I still haven't heard anything back from them. Surprised? Then finally Type Six: The Innocent Child. They, like most kids are taught about mommies and daddies, and don't understand anything different. They say things like: "If you're not a mommy, than what are you?" (Yeah kid, I don't know what I am or who I am for that matter. Thanks for pointing that out. I simply don't fit in with everyone else.)
Obviously we don't need these kind of comments. What we need are comments like: "I'll be thinking of you." "If you want to talk about it, give me a call." "I'll be praying for you." And if you don't believe in God. "I'll be praying to the fertility gods for you." I know most people mean well. And I do appreciate people's concern, and ideas from people with their own experiences with infertility. I had a friend who told me once: "I won't tell you that it will happen, because that's what everyone always told me, and I hated it. The truth is that it might not happen, but hang in there." I really appreciated that from her. :)
