Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Infertility: An Addiction Recovery Process

I had an Ah-Ha moment! It happened last night when I took my husband out to dinner for his birthday after we exchange his birthday gift: jeans that didn't fit for the right size. I was already feeling horrible because I had ruined his real birthday, which was Sunday, by sinking into another deep depression spell over the weekend. We got into a long discussion about how my infertility was affecting me. He thought I should at least seek a counselor, which he is probably right. But I had real reason to be upset this time. I was 10 days late for my period!!! I've never been that late before. And of-course, I got my hopes up. Day by day, as that stupid period wouldn't start, I started believing that maybe this time was for real...maybe we would be one of those lucky few that do all the fertility procedures, have them fail, and then miraculously get pregnant on our own. And wouldn't it have been cool if I could have surprised him on his birthday with the news that I was pregnant? Only if...

Anyways, he and I got to talking. He made a profound comparison: "A guy dealing with a pornography addiction is like a woman dealing with infertility." He said "No matter what you do, it's always going to be in your face. It's how you decide to cope with it and let it affect you." I never thought of it that way before, but yes! Sex is thrown out in there in the media so much, it's hard not to see it. For someone dealing with an addiction to pornography, it only gets amplified, because that's all they see and think about. I get it! Well, now I guess I have to admit here that I have an addiction to getting pregnant. It's all I see and think about. I'm constantly thrown into situations were all I see are pregnant bellies and babies. Media throws "Motherhood" in my face all the time! (Right now it's "Back-to-School time.") In fact I think about it so much that I dream about it. I've become so condition over these last few years of trying to conceive, that month by month, year by year, it has grown into this addiction. I can't escape it. I can't help but think: "I'm probably ovulating or I might be pregnant." Not that it's a bad addiction to have, or a sin, (hello! I'm trying to fulfill a commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth"), but it has affected me so much that it has also affected others that I care about. i.e. my husband. It has affected my relationship with friends and family.

I tell you what, Satan really does know what he's doing...coupling infertility with pornography. Unfortunately, when seeking help for infertility, pornography inadvertently gets thrown into the equation. And no matter how careful you might try to be, well, let's just be honest here. It's sucks for the guy...to do the walk of shame down the hallway to that little room. Everyone knows what they are doing. And if they are recovering from an addiction from pornography, God help them. It's so hard for us as women who are already suffering from infertility, to now feel inadequate, due to pornography. That was one of my biggest concerns going into doing Artificial Insemination and Invitro Fertilization. But what can you do? It's there. In your face.

I think in my process of trying to overcome this constant badgering in my head over my infertility, I might use the 12 step recovery program in helping me get back to normal. So here we go: Step 1: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable. "I Ra'Chelle, admit that I am powerless over my infertility and my life has become a slave to my cycle."

Friday, August 20, 2010

Some Good News

So I apologize for not posting anything new in a while. I found a website called daily strength that specializes in grief support groups. And I have been spending a lot of time on there. They have all types of support groups from anything from depression support groups, to job loss, to of course, infertility support groups. I was also given a book by a co-worker called "But If Not. When Bad things Threaten to Destroy Good People. Both have been really helpful in helping me heal.

On the up side of things, my husband found a job!!!! Almost after a year of searching, it sounds like things may actually start falling into place for us. It's a job at Hill Air Force Base. Though the pay won't be near what he was making before, we will at least get benefits! Benefits that will hopefully pay for some genetic testing that we need...I don't know if they will, but fingers crossed! Also, they are really good about working with his school schedule. I was really worried that he would get a jog somewhere, we would have to pick up and move, and he wouldn't be able to finish his MBA program at Weber State. And once he gets his MBA, there is a chance he might be able to move up a couple of levels...and pay!!! He should be starting on the 30th of this month.

On the fertility side of things, I've been having all these weird dreams. Dreams that have brought up a lot of issues for me. One dream, I dreamt my husband had an illegitement child, and the mother was a terrible mother and we were trying to get custody of this little four year old girl. I remember feeling so much love for this little girl, even though she wasn't my own. Another dream I had was that I found out that my younger sister was pregnant, BEFORE me! And the last dream I've had was that I was pushing around a stroller with a newborn girl at OfficeMax, and my husband and I ran into an old friend. But the baby wasn't our, we were watching our new little niece, whom my sister in-law had through IVF, which worked for her. I have had all three dreams within the last three days. I don't know why, but I know all these dreams point to my fears. Like adoption, or my sister having kids before me, or never being able to have kids. It sucks!