Miscarriages...What I would say to my infertile self.

I've been thinking a lot about this subject. In particular, I've been thinking about some friends who have gone through this, and I always think of things to say after the opportunity has passed.   Well, this is what I would say to myself, at least. Take from it what you can. And hopefully you will find something that will help.

First off, this is a horrible experience to go through. I don't wish it on anyone. But the fact is that miscarriages are so common, yet when you are going through it, no one knows exactly what to say, including me...who has had two miscarriages. I think in part, because when someone tells you they are having a miscarriage, it catches you off guard. Unlike when you loose a love one, a grandparent, parent, friend, a child, there are no funerals for miscarriages.  Something I wish I had done when I had my miscarriages was to have my own private "funeral" for that lost pregnancy. I wish I would have written a letter to that unborn child, placed that letter in a box along with some sort of trinket and buried it in my backyard, along with a flower/plant. I think having a "funeral" would help the grieving process, as it does for a funeral of a loved one. I also think that if we had come to the conclusion that infertility was permanent, that trying fertility treatments would stop, and the hope for a biological child had been lost, then doing a "funeral" would have been my next step.

Second, when you are experiencing infertility, and have had a miscarriage, or several miscarriage, the automatic thoughts are: "your body is fighting against you", "your body is rejecting pregnancy" ,"your body is failing you." ....etc.  Looking back, I wish I had changed my way of thinking on this. (Though difficult to do.) I wish I could have told myself instead this: "My body wanted that pregnancy just as bad as I wanted it, and it did everything it could do to keep that pregnancy. My body was expressing it's own way of grieving when the pregnancy was lost through physical pain." For whatever reason, and God only knows why, that pregnancy was not to be.  And trying to chase reasons why can just become torture. Don't look back and ask yourself what "you did" to loose the pregnancy. Truth is that you didn't do anything wrong.  My first miscarriage, my body did not want to expel the pregnancy, and we found out via ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. I took the medications to expel the pregnancy, and still my body did not want to loose the pregnancy.  My body wanted to be pregnant.  Finally we did a D/C.  My second miscarriage, and the hardest emotionally, was with our first attempt with IVF.  I had a molar pregnancy, or an empty sac. It was like a slap in the face from God saying that there was no baby for you.  In actuality, I believe that was what Satan wanted me to believe. (Obviously, because God gifted me with two babies.) It was a weird experience because my body did not expel all of the embryonic tissue, and what was left over continued to grow, forming that empty sac...Again, looking back on this, MY body wanted to be pregnant. My hormone levels continued to go up, and though it was torturing me to get tested, giving me false hope seeing my hormone levels rise,  I knew it was a failed pregnancy. I had to do a D/C again. It was an awful experience, but looking back, I can see and appreciate how my body was trying to work FOR me. Now, I know there are medical reasons why pregnancies don't work out, such as digestive problems, or what have you. Trust that you Doctor is doing the best they can to find out what is wrong. If you get the feeling that they aren't trying to find out what's wrong, seek a second opinion. But know that our bodies were made as females to have babies, and by having a miscarriage, know that you CAN get pregnant. Though it is hard to believe, especially when you are infertile. But Believe that your body can do this, love your body for what it already does for you....

Third:  You know what it is like to have a positive pregnancy test! Some women never experience this beautiful moment. Relish that moment.  What was it like? You knew the joy (and fear) that comes from this. Appreciate that you had this life experience. Although the outcome did not turn out as you had hoped. Take a moment and write it down. Maybe include it in the letter for the "funeral."

Finally, let yourself grieve how you will.  It may take months or years to get over this. It is different for every woman. If you want to go drive out to the middle of no where and throw rocks and yell, then do it. Releasing that negative energy from your body is actually good for your body.  Allow your body to release the anger. Try not to hold on to it. And Pray to have that weight lifted from you. I found my way to release my anger through exercise and yoga...and a lot of crying.  Do what works for you.

Anyway, I hope that helps anyone going through this.

Is this real? Are you real? And are you real?

Is this real? Are you real? And are you real? My babies are almost 5 months old now. And I still find myself asking this question. It still seems like yesterday when I was battling my demons of infertility. It's like I'm still waiting to wake up from this dream of bliss and find myself back in time in that dark hole of depression. I occasionally catch glimpses of myself in the bathroom mirror with one of my twins as I walk down the hall, and think to myself...this is crazy, this is so unreal. They are here! Finally! About this time, a year ago, I found out I was pregnant.  Doing IVF a second time was scary.  I knew what it was like to have IVF fail. I realized that my life was about to change and it could only take one of two paths.  And it all depended on a stupid pee stick. Pregnant or not pregnant. I had decided that this was the last time we were to try IVF again. I realized that if it didn't work, we would turn to adoption. I knew I was suppose to be a mom.  I could feel their presence. What mattered is that THEY got here and NOT how they got here. I don't know how my life would have turned out, had my pregnancy test been negative, but I'm sure that those two little spirits would have found some way to make it to our family.

 Though sometimes I wonder if my pregnancy test had been negative, would I have fallen back into that dark hole of depression, or would I have looked optimistically towards adoption?  I'd like to think that it would have been the latter. There was a moment, were I thought my second IVF had failed.  A couple of days before I was suppose to find out from the Fertility clinic, the results from a blood test, I had started spotting. I thought my period had begun.  I remember that moment so clear...."No! No! NO!" I said. I thought: "It was over." I started crying and cuddled up on the bed with my dog Isabelle. She stayed with my while I cried. I let myself cry for about an hour. (Marc wasn't home yet from work.) But after an hour, I remember thinking, "Okay, so we're suppose to adopt." and I had stopped crying. I still laid there, cuddled up with Izzy, when my sister-in law had called. She convinced me to take a prego test.  It said "Pregnant" and my immediate thought was "What?" (I wasn't expecting it to say pregnant.) I guess I had some implantation spotting.  In that small period of an hour, I felt what it felt like to have our second IVF fail a second time, and I didn't fall completely apart like I did with the first failed IVF.

One thing I learned during those last few difficult months of  infertility was that I decided to take joy in other people's happiness when it came to someone else's pregnancy.  I tried ( I TRIED, though it was difficult.) to be happy for them, even if they didn't appreciate the miracle it was to become pregnant, at least I would appreciate it for them. I still to this day am SO SO thankful for my two little miracles. How did I get so lucky? How did I get two???? But like that Pampers commercial that I love so much: "Every baby is a miracle." I've also realized that everyone is a miracle, and to appreciate the time that we are given with them, because each moment you spend with a loved one is SO precious. Whether it be a Child, a Spouse, a Mom, a Dad, an In-law, a Grandparent, a Cousin, or a Friend, each moment is a blessing.  Though there have been some difficult days with twin infants already, I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I remember that when things get a little hectic.

To give you an update, since I last posted at 20 weeks of pregnancy. I was very fortunate to have made it to 38 weeks with my twins. My twins were both healthy, (with a minor hiccup) I had a C-section, by choice, and I never went into any labor. (Which I dreaded. Thank goodness!) It was hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy at first until after I reached 25- 30 weeks, since I was so paranoid.  I remember even being worried at my baby shower, would I have to take all this baby crap back if something went wrong.? I didn't really buy things for the nursery or outfits until late into my pregnancy. I don't think it really sank in until the end.  But I did everything that I wanted to do while I was pregnant...Meaning, I got professional pregnancy photos, I painted my belly with foot prints, and Marc painted a globe of the world on my belly. I did yoga up until 36 weeks of my pregnancy. I ate healthy and drank a TON of water. By the time I was ending my pregnancy, I finally allowed myself to buy baby clothes and decked out the nursery.  My sister took me out to buy a "petunia-pickle-bottom" diaper bag for her baby shower gift to me...though we found a  black/white/red "Ju Ju Be" diaper bag that I liked even better. My sister also through me a baby shower that was equivalent to a Celebrity Baby Shower...she spoiled me.   And my dad helped paint the nursery.  Marc and I put headphones over my belly and let the babies hear Dave Mathews band, Mumford and Sons, The Killers, Enya....and so on.  Marc talked to the babies through my belly.  I loved feeling them kick, even though little Austin liked to wake me up around 2 in the morning...he still does that too....  As far as breastfeeding goes...I tried, I really did try, but it just wasn't for me.  They got breast milk for the first two months. I had enough for one baby, but not two, so I pumped and mixed it with formula.  I never got that "overwhelming feeling of love" that some women say they get while they breastfeed...I was just overwhelmed.  I didn't like how my breast felt. And I think with infertility, I worked up in my head what I thought breastfeeding would be like.   I got more that feeling of love, when I bottle fed them and they stared into my eyes. With breastfeeding, I just felt like they were smashed up against my boob. (TMI, sorry.)

As far as our little "hiccup" goes, everything is perfectly fine now, but Ava was born with craniosynostosis. Which means that part of her fontanels in her head prematurely fused. I guess it's common in twins. Her head looked like a kidney bean for a while. They told us we needed to lie her on her left side to take the pressure off her brain, and that she would most likely need surgery and a helmet to shape her head correctly. My husband gave her a blessing while we were in the hospital, and we all had a feeling that she would be alright.  We took her down to Primary Children's Hospital to have her looked at by a specialist, who was a guru on a less invasive surgery for her condition. We had to wait till she was a month old to do a CT scan, which showed that all her major fontanels were open and that she didn't need to have surgery. :) I took her down to Primary Children's again at 4 months, just recently, and the specialist said she did not need to wear a helmet either, and that her defect in her skull was so minor that her hair would cover it up, and most likely resolve on it's own by the time she is 2 years old. So everything is all good, like I said.

And the Sexes Are....

Boy and Girl!!!!!! Both looking good and healthy at this point!!!

19 Weeks and Counting!

Tomorrow I will hit the 19 week mark and will also be going in for the "Big Appointment." I'm excited to find out what the sexes of the babies are, but more importantly, we will hopefully find out that they are developing correctly and are healthy. I've thought all along that they are a boy and girl, but recently I've been getting vibes that they are both girls. For instance, I was at Target with my husband, and I saw a cute lamp and almost said out loud: "Oh, that will be cute for the girl's room." Marc has said the same thing to me, that he thinks they are both girls. It wouldn't surprise me if they were both girls, since his dad has cursed all the Mattsson boys with having girls...so far there are only two boys out of eight grandkids. I really don't care either way, I think both boys or girls, or both boy and girl will be exciting and fun in there own unique ways. I'm just hoping they cooperate, so we know 100% what sexes they are, and I can start buying baby crap.

At 15 weeks, the nausea had finally worn off. Now my source of daily comfort and knowing they are okay, is feeling them move! (much better feeling than ralphing all the time.) The kicking started off real faint around 15 weeks, like a muscle twitch, or bubbles. Now it's slowly starting to feel stronger. Baby A is on top, just under my belly button, and is the most active. That's why I think it might be a boy. Baby B is on the bottom and a little more mellow, and at my 15 week appointment, the Dr. thought it looked like a girl but it was still too early to tell. I love laying in bed in the morning, waiting between alarm clock sounds, and feeling them move. It's like they are saying good morning to me. Marc still can't feel them and they alway stop kicking when I grab his hand to feel my belly. Oh, I wish he could feel them! We have had some fun with listening to them with a stethoscope...I have one from school. I only hear sloshing and tapping sounds like they are moving...can't pick up their heartbeats with it though.

I am feeling calmer at this point in the pregnancy, but I still have the worry in the back of my mind that something could go wrong, even though at this point everything is probably okay. It's hard hearing when others have had miscarriages or when I watch those TLC programs on TV, and see laboring mothers or when the baby's born not breathing...Ugh! I have to change the channel. There is also the guilt factor of "Why me? Why did I get pregnant, while my friends in my support group are still awaiting their miracle?" I still pray for them. I did finally get off of celexa, and I'm doing better than I expected. Which is good, cause I don't want to be on that, being pregnant, or breast feeding. And despite some of the stressors of being pregnant after infertility, I think I'm managing well for myself.

I will also say that it's finally sinking in that I'm actually pregnant. The first 4 months, I was so paranoid about loosing them again to miscarriage, and I think I was in a state of denial. I even avoided reading the baby books for a while. Now, it's sunk in that I'm going to have to start looking into childcare, find a pediatric physician, Lamaze classes, breast feeding classes... how I'm going to balance breast feeding/pumping with my busy schedule at work? How will we adjust to the changes to our budget with twins? Ah! Where to start? I feel like a deer paralyzed in the headlights. We do at least have an appointment tomorrow in the afternoon with a daycare. You would think I would know all the questions to ask, given that my mom owns a daycare back home in Sacramento, but I don't. Luckily she e-mailed me a list of things to ask. I've forgotten all those things already. I've also gotten some good recommendations for pediatric doctors also...so I'm slowly starting to prepare myself for all this.

I've been trying to take care of myself too. I've been exercising...yoga, swimming, elliptical, walking...taking it easy at the same time. I'm going to try to take advantage of my me time while I feel good. I know I'm going to have to start taking it easy soon enough. Just from talking to friends who've had multiples, around the 30 week mark is when things will start to get uncomfortable. I saw an episode on MTV True Life of two couples who were expecting twins. Both ladies looked huge!!! I was in shock, and in more shock thinking that's going to be me in a few months! Ahhh! I feel like I already look about 6 months pregnant, though I'm almost 5 months. But bring it on, baby! Fat belly, heavy breathing, waddling and all! I told Marc he's going to have to help me with grocery shopping to help push the cart around. But poor guy's got two herniated discs in his back and is probably going to need surgery soon. So both of us are going to be waddling around like gimps. We'll have to call up his parents or people at church to come and help if we need. I won't hesitate asking for help either. I'll have to update again sooner this time. Especially after tomorrow's appointment. Wish us luck!

Not sure where I fit in now: Pregnancy after Infertility

I know I haven't posted in a while, but for good reason. I haven't really had anything to contribute to my blog since it is about infertility. (Now that I've found myself on the other side of infertility.) Yes, our second IVF resulted in pregnancy! :) I've wanted to wait a while before posting anything new, because I didn't want to jinx it. We've made it to 12 weeks as of last Friday. Even though you would think we would be shouting for joy at this point, I feel like I can't really shout for joy until they are safely here. (Yes, "they" as in TWINS!) This pregnancy thing is a roller-coaster ride in itself. Especially after infertility, I am so paranoid.

What's funny is, that once you share with a few people that you are pregnant and have experienced infertility and miscarriages, they seem to want to tell you all their horror stories, or horror stories about other people they've know. (Like they can even relate.) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!! LA-LA-LA...I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Okay, part of me wants to know some things, like hearing stories from former infertiles like myself who can relate with me. But seriously, I told this one gal that I was having twins, and she was like: "Oh yeah, my best friend was pregnant with twins, but then she lost them. Now she's pregnant again." (Um...rude? I'm already freaking out. Thanks, but no thanks!) One week I heard two different people's stories about them losing one of their twins. :( Sad. The part of me that wants to know, is to know what to expect if something does go wrong. The other part of me that wants to know is the part where things have turned out okay...like a friend who experienced spotting/bleeding, but then everything was okay.

So hearing all these stories from people has also caused some nightmares. I've had two dreams about waking up in bed with massive bleeding, but then I really wake up and I'm fine. Another dream I had was last week. In my dream we just had the babies, and a nurse comes to the side of my hospital bed, and tells me that they did all they could do, but they couldn't get my baby to breath. Ugh! Marc, ironically had a dream that same night that I had miscarried with one of the babies. I've been told that those dreams only manifest the worries that we both have about our little ones and the pregnancy. And not to take them too seriously. But still....SCARY!

Another thing about pregnancy after infertility is that I don't know where I quit fit in. It's like I'm being ushered into the pregnancy and moma world, when I still feel like I'm infertile. I remember seeing a gal who was well into her pregnancy and still feeling those jealous feelings, even though I was pregnant too. It was like I had to take a double take, and remind myself I was pregnant too. I don't want to make my friends in my support group uncomfortable by being around them, especially when I start showing, but I still feel like I'm a one of them. And technically I am still one of them. It's not like I can just get pregnant when I want to like most people. Still after having these babies, I will still be infertile. It's not like baby number 3 will come easy for us either. (Remember, my eggs suck.) We'll have secondary infertility, but it still is a form of infertility. On the flip side, when friends who share the good parts about being pregnant, and funny stories, it's like all the sudden I'm included on these conversations, which normally I would exclude myself from hearing. It's different.

As far as everything has gone, I have had a lot of nausea and visit with "Ralph." I know this may sound funny, but I love throwing up. It's like my babies are saying "Hi" to me. It's the only thing that makes me feel like this is actually real. That I am actually pregnant. I've heard that vomiting is a good sign the pregnancy is healthy. But who knows, someone may have made that up to make us feel better. It's been nearly almost everyday since hitting the 7 week mark that I've had to run to the toilet to ralph. Sometimes up to 3 times a day. (I've heard that twins or multiples can exacerbate nausea in pregnancy.) Now that I've reached 12 weeks, the nausea has seemed to taper off. But I still get a little here and there. The bad thing is that it comes quickly without warning. Sometimes I'm not ready for it. And there I am holding my mouth trying to make it to the bathroom fast enough. Gross, I know. But I gotta love it!

Our first ultrasound was at 7 weeks with the fertility clinic, UCRM. I was really anxious and was having flashbacks of our first miscarriage where the doctor didn't find a heartbeat. But actually seeing the heartbeats and hearing the heartbeats was the coolest thing. Our second visit was with my regular OBGYN at 10 & 1/2 weeks, and what was even cooler than the heartbeats was to see them both moving on the ultrasound. I didn't expect to see them move that early! I did have some light spotting a couple days after my 10 week appointment, so my doctor had me come it. Turns out that the bleeding was probably left over blood from the implantation. It did give us a scare, but a relief to see that everything was okay and see them again on the ultrasound. My next visit will be Dec 9th. And hopefully everything will be okay. I'm still so nervous about going to those appointments.

Adoption Fears

I have wanted to blog about the topic of "adoption fears" for some time. And although our circumstances have changed a bit, adoption is still a possible reality for us. So I thought I would go ahead and post this.

Many times when I've shared with others about my experience with infertility, one of the most common thing that comes up is adoption. "Why don't you just adopt?" or "What's wrong with adoption?" I want to be clear here, that I am not against adoption. I think adoption can be a blessing to many couples. It's just when I'm asked about it, I never know quit how to respond. All I know is that we are not ready to move that direction yet. We may in the future. Why I'm not ready yet? Well it's hard to say or explain to people the emotions involved with making this important decision. (Especially when they don't or will never fully understand.) I also feel like adoption has gotten a bad wrap by the media. I remember watching a Dateline episode of an adoptive couple, that was murdered, and it turned out to be their adopted son was the killer. Or a recent show on ABC, Once Upon a Time: The adoptive mother was portrayed as the "evil queen." This kind of media portrayal of adoption doesn't help either adoptive couples or birthmothers. It instills more fear. But even without the influence of media, fears about adoption are completely normal. The problem is that no one ever talks about them. Just like infertility is taboo to talk about, so is talking about adoption fears. To be perfectly honest, what is holding me back from adoption is my "adoption fears." So to help myself feel not so alone in this, and to help others understand my fears, I decided to make a little project out of this. I googled "adoption fears." I copied and pasted certain parts I felt were representative of my fears. (Though some "fears", I will agree are a little absurd; keep in mind I did not come up with these lists myself.) So here's what I came up with:

fear:–noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.

4. reverential awe, esp. toward god.

5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

COMMON FEARS OF ADOPTION:

1. FINANCIAL FEARS is this going to be affordable?

2. DECISION MAKING FEARS about adoption routing. How to we spend our money wisely and choose the right professionals for us? What about

using the internet? Advertising? Mass mailings?

3. LOSS OF CONTROL FEARS:

a. Fear a child will not become available to you.

b. Fear of openness/open adoption

c. Fear the biological parents will change their

minds and take the child back.

d. Fear the process will take too long.

e. Fear you will be too old to parent or be

chosen.

1. Fear of pressure to take "any" child.

4. DEFECTIVE CHILD FEARS:

a. Fear the birth mother will not take good care

of herself during pregnancy using drugs, alcohol,

or poor nutrition... also smoking.

b. Fear about the genetic background as being

inferior to your own.

c. Fear the child could be emotionally disturbed.

5. BONDING ATTACHMENT FEARS:

a. Fear you won't bond to the child

b. Fear you'll have doubts this is "as good as"

c. Fear you will later conceive- and should have

waited.

d. Fear your adoptive child may later choose

birth parents over you.

e. Fear the biological parents may seek contact

and disrupt your bond with the child.

f. Fear you won't love this child as much as one

produced biologically.

6. FAMILY/FRIENDS FEARS:

a. Fear your family won't accept an adopted

child, especially if racially different.

b. Fear you will be stigmatized and others will

doubt your "real" attachment and parent role.

Fears stem from the pain of LOSS or possible LOSS.

Steps to healing and repairing: It is important not to be "victimized" by losses in life. Life always has "speed bumps" and "detours." Action steps include:

Grieving, Grieving, Grieving

Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge is power

Preparation, Preparation, Preparation

Support Groups, Therapy when needed, Rituals

Credits: Ellen Roseman

ADOPTION FEARS/ LOVE BUILDS FAMILIES:

• I couldn’t love another mother’s child the way I love my own.
• If I have an open adoption, the birth parents and grandparents will know where we live and will have more reason to return to take their child back in the later years.
• If I have an open adoption, the birth parents may feel like they have the right to discipline my child.
• If I admit my weaknesses as a parent and as a spouse, an expectant mother will think less of me and will never choose me as an adoptive parent.
• Being overweight makes me less appealing as an adoptive parent.
• One day my (adopted) child will tell me that she wants to live with her birth parents and she wishes she’d never been adopted.
• The birth father will contest the adoption.
• The birth mother will change her mind at placement and choose to parent.
• The birth grandparents will convince the birth parents to not place for adoption.
• My family/my husband’s family will treat our child different because he was adopted.
• I won’t feel a mother-child connection.
• An open adoption means that a birth mother can come by the house unannounced any time to see her child and expect to be given certain rights; we’d have no privacy; she’d want to live with us.
• A closed adoption means my child will have severe psychological issues of not knowing who he is or where he came from and be bitter because he didn’t know.
• An open adoption is giving my identity away to strangers whom I do not know or trust.
• No one will ever choose us because there’s something wrong with us (our child is too old, we have a biological child, we’ve been waiting too long).
• Our pass-through expenses (extra expenses we agree to pay if the birth mother needs it) will simply be too expensive.
• The age gap will be too large between kids
• Getting to know birth mothers and expectant mothers means I’m trying to be coercive and make myself look good.
• Being an adoptive parent means I’m a baby snatcher.
• Being an adoptive parent means I think I’m entitled to another mother’s child.
• We will never adopt.
• The birth parents will live too far away for an open adoption.
• The birth parents will live too close and the adoption will be too open.
• Using an adoption agency means that I’m trying to buy a baby, and the caseworkers are coercive and try to lure expectant mothers in.
• All adoptees are bitter.
• All birth mothers eventually become bitter.
• If I take a gift to an expectant mother when I first meet her, it will look like I’m bribing her. If I don’t take a gift, it will seem like I don’t care.
• I won’t know how to be myself around a birth mother.
• Being myself will turn an expectant mother “off.”
• Networking on the internet will surely lead me to scams.
• Advocating for adoption will mean that all the adoption “meanies” will attack my blog and my family.

AND ADOPTION FEARS FOR BIRTHMOTHERS:

1. Fear of "not knowing"

Women will express the fear of "not knowing" where their child is. This fear is often perpetuated by movies and dramatic stories of children ripped away from their mothers never to be seen again.

The terms of adoption are drawn up by you and the adoptive parents you have chosen for your child. These terms will give you as much or as little contact with your child as you both agree upon. Knowing where your child is will depend upon how open or closed you want your adoption to be.

Placing your child does mean that after finalizing the adoption, you cannot, by law, turn around and demand your child back. It does not mean, however, that you will never have contact again.

Reading the real-life stories of women who have actually placed their children in modern-day open adoption agreements will alleviate, to a great extent, this fear.

To read these stories, click here.

2. Fear of Child Abuse

Consider that children living with their own biological parents have not had them screened for suitability. Most couples who have their own children will never go through the grueling quality controls and screening that couples seeking adoption will have to go through. Nor will they pay the huge legal fees that adoptive parents will have to come up with. Adoptive parents cover the entire cost of the adoption process, even if the birthmother changes her mind at the end of the process and decides to keep her baby.

The demand for newborn babies and the risk of legal liability is so great in Canada today, that fear of abuse doesn't need to be a concern in your decision to adopt.

3. Fear of Rejection

Many women fear that their child will be angry at them for "giving them up" to adoption. Today, however, birth mothers have the opportunity to explain their decisions to their child, either in a letter or in person.

When given detailed reasons why adoption was chosen, a child can come to an understanding that all parties involved in the process acted out of love and the desire for the child's happiness.

This kind of openness and dialogue is extremely important in the child's development and often leaves them with a profound sense of being loved.

Testimonials from adopted children show not only their depth of understanding about why they were placed for adoption, but they demonstrate an immense gratitude for the sacrifice that their birthmother made on their behalf.

To read some of these testimonials click here.

4. Fear of Unbearable Loss

Many women express the fear of suffering unbearable pain and loss after the long nine-month journey with their child. One cannot deny the fact that there will be pain and that the mother will grieve for the loss of her child. But there is loss with parenting and abortion as well.

A young mother who chooses to parent will also suffer loss. She will lose her ability to live without the responsibilities of parenthood. There are many sacrifices that a single mother will have to make, including financial sacrifices. She may lose the friends who do not have parenting responsibilities, and who can live a more carefree existence than herself. She may suffer the inability to spend her money and her time as she chooses. There are many losses and joys to consider with parenting a child.

Abortion also brings about a deep sense of loss, that is often unanticipated by the birth mother. Many women suffer for years following an abortion. They may suffer from feelings of guilt, anxiety, anniversary grief, reoccurring thoughts of their child, or of the abortion procedure itself. Many women feel a deep sadness that their child is not alive and wonder what the child might have grown up to become.

So with each choice comes a closing of the door to other possibilities. Again, reading the stories of birth mothers who have placed for adoption might help to alleviate the concern about pain and loss.

Experience shows that women who have made a carefully thought out decision to adopt, who have acted for the right reasons and who have received good counseling will not regret their decisions. In fact, in cases involving successful adoptions, many women see their situations as incredibly enlightening and are extremely grateful and humbled by the experience of having made such a difference to so many lives.

Check out the stories from these women yourself.

5. Fear of Painful Pregnancy

Many women fear having to go through nine months of pregnancy. How will the pregnancy change their bodies? Will they gain weight that they will be unable to shed? Will they have stretch marks or other medical problems resulting from birth and delivery?

And then there is the gossip factor that can be paralyzing. What will people say when they find out about the pregnancy? These fears are a reality, but they can be worked through with the help of a skilled counselor and with peer support from other women in a similar situation.

It is true that pregnancy will affect the woman's body. It is true that people might whisper and talk about an unplanned pregnancy, especially if the woman is still in high school.

This is where good counseling becomes crucial. Finding a pregnancy care center with programs and an active support group is essential. Counselors can help a young woman through all of the stages of the adoption process and give her the tools she needs to deal with the possibility of gossip and the fear of pregnancy and birth.

Bad Timing

Of all the times to get an eye inflammation, of course it had to be the time during my "2 week wait." UGH!!!! Really?! So I have a weird eye inflammatory disorder called iritis. It flairs up on me every once in a while. It's been 4 years since I had this last (of course right before Marc and I went on a cruise.) This stupid eye thing keeps coming up during the worst time. And I can't wear my contact lens!! I HATE wearing glasses!!!! It causes redness and irritation to sunlight, entering from a dark room to a light room causes pain, pain/pressure behind my eye. The eye drop meds. for it makes my vision blurry in which ever eye is affected, but it beats getting permanent vision loss, or damage. Maybe it's been a blessing in disguise, because I've been focusing on my eye pain more than this IVF 2 week wait period. But it's also got me paranoid. "Are the eye drop meds. okay to take if I'm prego?" The doctor said there are no studies on it. "Maybe my iritis is a bad sign, like since I have inflammation, maybe my immune system is on alert and it's going to kill off my embryos." I'm frantically googling "iritis and infertility." Or I thought on a positive note: "my sister-inlaw was unable to wear her contacts during pregnancy because they irritated her eyes...maybe I'm pregnant? " The eye doctor wants to do a work up on my to try and find the cause of this iritis. But until then I'm wearing my glasses and no eye make up since I'm doing eye drop meds on the hour/every hour.

And to add to the stress of this, the day this flared up on me, my doggies also tried running away twice! I had a little bit of a breakdown Wednesday night after the second time they ran away. My poor husband was trying to track them down, while on the phone with the eye doctor, and dealing with my mental breakdown. It hurt even to look at the light glaring from my cell phone, so he also helped me call/text people at work and help find a replacement for me so I could go to the eye doctor. I originally had an appointment for today, Friday, but I couldn't wait that long. Iritis is serious and I could loose my eye sight. So I'm glad I went in to the doctors sooner. I was trying to hold off long enough so I didn't have to miss any more work. But I heard that yesterday, the day I was gone for my appointment was a hard day at work. So I'm kind of glad I missed it.

On another frustrating note: I've had some spotting today. Now I'm thinking, great! IVF didn't work. I'm probably trying to start my period. My one sister-inlaw, whose been through this infertility/ IVF as well, reassured me that it's probably okay. My other sister-inlaw bleed really bad the first month with my niece, she didn't even realize she was prego until a month later because she thought she had a period. My spotting did subside. I did buy a preggy test today at the grocery store, I was wanting to wait till Sunday to take it, but I'm half tempted to take it now. I know last time with IVF, I was prego, and the preggy test did indicate pregnant, but it took a long time to show up, so I knew last time something was wrong. My HCG level after the blood work came back at 20, which it needs to be at least 100 to be considered a viable pregnancy. So I know if I take a pregnancy test now, it might not mean anything. Plus I've got all these hormones in me that the nurses said could through off a home pregnancy test. So I really won't know for sure until monday, anyway.