Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I needed a distraction. I found it. Painting the walls in our basement. What triggered this? Well, 1/20/11 was and would have been our due date from our IVF "failure/miscarriage." I knew this day was going to be hard for me. Marc was going to be in class that night, which meant another night spent alone, morning over what could have been. Normally, I would have balled myself up on the couch or in my bed crying for hours. (Obviously I've been depressed lately.) But I was tired of doing this...I need to move on. Luckily, that day at work was so busy, running behind with patients, that I didn't have time to be bombarded by my demon thoughts of infertility. I was asked by a patient what my plans were for the upcoming weekend. I didn't have any plans, but I blurted out painting my basement. I had already picked out a color from the previous week, but I wanted Marc's blessing on the color before I did it...but I thought: "Screw it! I'm doing this for me. I don't need anyone's approval. It's just paint. If we don't like it we can paint over it." So the color I picked was Bear's "Natural Gray." You're probably thinking Gray??? Depressing color for a basement, right? With gray, you can go one of two ways: yes; depressing, or clean and beautiful. Well, I'd say it's the latter. It's more of a light purplish gray color. I thought of listening to Dave Matthew's Band on my ipod, particularly "Grey Street" while I painted, but I chose to paint in silence that night. I've almost completed the basement now. And now I'm on to my next distraction....furniture. We have a hammy down couch and TV that my in-laws passed down to us, so I don't need to worry about that. But I do need (or want) some bookcases to stand alongside of the TV. I also want to get some mirrors, curtains, pictures, and spray paint a picture frame white, and spray paint some of Marc's old furniture white as well. You know, the nick/nack stuff of the room.
Of course, as I'm decorating this large basement room, I'm still haunted by my childless thoughts. As I look to a portion of the room, which is divided by the couch, that I hope to turn into a play area for a future child. I think how pretty pinks would look with the gray. Blues, reds, yellows may also look good. Would I give it a theme, like a safari for a boy, or a princes palace for a girl? Do I torture myself by going to a kids store and start stocking up on puzzles, books, toys, stuff animals...no. Not now anyway. Now I'm on the hunt for bookcases. Grown up things. The room looks good so far, and Marc likes the color. But painting got me through that week. I would say, overall that last month I've only had a few crying spells. Which is an improvement over the last few months. We'll see how this new month goes...as I approach my "two week wait period"....ugh....