Okay, so here we go again... it's Fall...Holiday Season officially starts now. As much as I love the holidays, I also kind of hate them too, for mocking me. With Halloween just around the corner, also lurks the two year "anniversary" of finding out about my first miscarriage. Yes, I went in for my first ultrasound on Halloween 2008, (a.k.a. "Day of the Dead"-ironic?) and found out we lost our baby at 6 weeks when we were suppose to be 10 weeks. I braved through that day, opening the door for small children, handing out candy. Now I get to be bombarded by little cute kids in their costumes at my door with proud parents in the background saying "Trick or Treat" again. Yet another reminder of what I would be doing this year: I would have had a little youngster about a year and a half old, toting them around with me in their Halloween costume. Ugh! I know I don't have to hand out candy, but a part of me still loves Halloween enough to do it. I'm crazy. And then of course there's Christmas: The Miracle that Jesus was born. Where's my miracle baby? Now I get to see a bunch of nativity scene's with "Baby" Jesus everywhere. If God can create Jesus without natural conception, which is mind boggling, can't He help a girl out? (I hope I'm not being too sac-religious) Christmas morning is always hard too because I think that I should have a child here, opening gifts, not my dogs. (who are my child surrogates) If you think about it, holiday's are really just for children, and for adults to have a reason to get out of work and be with "Family." (Another word that bugs me because I can't have one.) But for some reason, I still find myself decorating my home for the holidays...why?
And with it being the fall season, typically I plant my tulip bulbs around this time of year. But this year I declare that I'm boycotting tulips!!! Why you might ask? Well, when I was prego with my first miscarriage, I planted tulips out in my yard, dreaming about my due date which was in May. I remember thinking to myself that "by the time these early spring bulbs blossom, I will have a baby bump that would resemble the shape of a tulip. And when my late spring bulbs blossom, I will be bringing my baby home." I imagined myself walking to my front door, walking past those tulips, with my baby in my arms. The other reason why I hate tulips is because they remind me of this past May when we did IVF. And the day that we found out about our second miscarriage, was the day that my last tulip died. Symbolic? I guess the tulip represented hope towards the future for me. Knowing that I had something to look forward to to help get me through the winter. Now I have little hope for the future. It also represent's a prego belly. I hate prego bellies! It's shaped like an egg...my eggs are soggy! What else...oh yeah, if there's a late spring storm with lots of wind and hail, it ruins them. Waste of money! I hope there's a late spring storm this upcoming year, and it will destroy everyone else's tulips so I don't have to look at them! Am I being a little dramatic?
I know, my blog is a little pessimistic today. I guess I'm just a little perturbed about a comment that was made to me yesterday by a patient. We were sharing about our hellish nights that we had: His was that his window well was leaking water into his basement from the storm we had and mine was that we were woken up by the sound of our fire alarms blaring loudly at 2 am from dead batteries...(oops! forgot to change those.) I admit, I'd rather be woken up by false alarm than having a flood in my basement, but his comment to me was "Did your fire alarm wake up your kids?" Did you catch that...kids with an "s"...plural...meaning that he not only assumed that I was a parent, but that I would be so lucky like everyone else and have more than one child at my age. What the hell? And then I was approached by another patient yesterday about that stupid question...."So...do you have any kids?!" And I know I shouldn't have watched that episode of Guiliana and Bill on Style network last night either about them finding out about their miscarriage with IVF. That just brought back a bunch of bad memories...anyways. I guess I just needed to rant tonight and blow off some steam. So there you have it.
I just stumbled upon your blog and have some words to say to you. While I have no idea who you are, we do share two similarities. 1- We are both LDS and 2- We are both women. Your blog is upsetting. I am broken hearted that while I don't know you, you are not able to have your own children. I cannot imagine the pain and grief that accompanies your situation. I know that you know about the Atonement. Use it. Otherwise, Christ's suffering was for nothing. I do not think I am better than you or know how you're feeling or anything, but I will say what I think most people think when they read your posts. There are other options out there. There are so many children without good, LDS parents that NEED to be sealed to a family. Unfortunately, you might not EVER be able to have your own children. The thing that is amazing about that though, is that Heavenly Father knew that YOU (not your best friend, or your neighbor, or some random mom in Wal-Mart) He knew that YOU would be able to "endure it well". I hope that your depression can be soothed with the blessings of the Atonement and that you soon find peace in your situation.
ReplyDeleteI know Ra'Chelle personally and have walked a few miles in her shoes. I can tell you she knows about the atonement and takes advantage of it every day in her life. Don't you think she has realized on her own that she might never have a biological child (which is a better way to put it since my adopted son is no less "my own" than my biological daughter). She doesn't need people trying to get her to face the facts, so to speak. She faces them daily. And you are correct, the Lord gave her a challenge he knew she could endure well, and she is enduring it well. She is so strong and doesn't give up. I admire her so much. I look up to her and remember her example when I’m having a bad day.
ReplyDeleteIf/when she is ready to adopt, it will be because that is what her, her husband, and the Lord decide. Not just because she should because there are tons of kids that need good LDS homes. By that logic no one should have kids until the foster care system is emptied out. Please don't say to people in this situation that there are other options out there. Believe me, she knows that and has discussed and prayed about them. But I can tell you first hand, it takes a lot to wrap your head around adopting a child you did not carry and that is not biologically yours. If/when she gets to that point, I will be there to offer her as much advice as I can, but if she never does decide to do it, that is her right and I support that choice as well. She does not need to adopt just because it's her “duty” or just because she is having infertility issues. In fact, I think the worst reason someone could adopt is to quickly get a baby and ignore the grief and pain of not getting pregnant. If a woman and man are not fully prepared for the emotions that come from having a child that is not biologically yours and in many case looks very different from you, there will be repercussions forever. So, basically, what I’m saying is one of the worst things to say to someone struggling with infertility is, “There are other options out there. There are so many children without good, LDS parents that NEED to be sealed to a family. Unfortunately, you might not EVER be able to have your own children,” especially when you don’t know what she going through.
In regards to Rabecca Hunt's comment:
ReplyDeleteI highly recommend that you read my post from October 12th "If you're not a mommy, then what are you?" and October 22nd "Addition, type 6 & 7" You, Rabecca, are a Type 2: "God's Messenger Type." I hear inconsiderate comments from people about their opinion on my infertility situation all the time. (Telling me what to do) Thank you, but NO Thank you. I realize that most people have good intentions, but don't realize what they are saying can be hurtful. Please be considerate for those you come across in my similar situations. And never, Never tell us what to do, or what you think we should do. (We know our options) Only lend your support, prayers, and love.
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteRaChelle's husband here. Thank you for making us aware of the possibility of adoption. I was shocked to discover such a option existed! Also, thank you for mentioning the atonement despite the fact that it has absolutely no bearing on the subject whatsoever. I don't personally know you, but I feel that others in Ra'Chelles situation could benefit from your profound insight. Please continue to enlighten us with other gems of wisdom. Especially considering your extensive knowledge of the topic of infertility.