Just stuck. Numb and hopeless.

Hi out there! My name is Ra'Chelle and this is my first time blogging. My blog is about infertility, and yes, did I mention I'm Mormon? I was inspired after reading the book Silent Soroity to start a blog about my process of dealing with infertility. Living in probably the MOST fertile state in the USA. (UTAH!!!) I'm constantly bombard with fat pregnant bellies. Reminders of what I desperatly want and may not be able to have. I got the idea for the name of this blog from a friend, who at the time 3+ years ago, before we started trying to get pregnant, told me joking. "We better hurry up before my eggs get cold and soggy." I was 27 at the time. Late start for a Mormon chick.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby now for over three years. This has included a year of trying, followed by four months of clomid and Suprise! I'm pregnant! Oh, but wait, it's not the happy ending to the story I was told I would get. MISCARRAGE! At 10 weeks, we went in for my first check up. (On Halloween) The Dr. told me there was no heart beat. The baby had made it to 6 weeks. Ironically, around that 6 week marker, I was in a fertility yoga class. The yoga instructor told us to meditate and place one had over our heart and one hand on our belly and feel the connection of our heartbeats. I remeber thinking "I don't feel a heartbeat...that's probably because I'm new to this whole pregnancy thing and I still don't feel pregnant." Turned out I was right on connected to my body and what my dying baby was going through. Despite the greif from this horrible experience, being the optimist that I am, I thought: "Okay, so I got pregnant, I can do it again." We tried another 9 months taking the clomid, then switching to femara after a wierd visual psycadellic reaction to the clomid. It got to the point that I would need a break, but my strong desire to try would return and we would try again. At that point, my Dr. refered my husband and I to a fertility clinic. We went to the University of Utah. This was followed by three unsucessful IUI's and so far, one IVF, that pretty much didn't work. Another MISCARRAIGE! An empty sac...This time, the pain was and has been intense. On top of that, none of our other embryos made it far enough to be frozen. I didn't get that second chance I thought I would get. I know for some of you infertility veterans, three years may not seem like much, but it has been three years of hell. (Dealing with other issues including my spouse's in-and-out of employment with the crappy economy.)

I have often found myself praying and asking God when will things get better? When will life start turning around for us? Please let my husband get a good stable job. Please let me get pregnant (and actually have a healthy baby.) But we've just been stuck in a rut. Life not moving forward. Just stuck. Numb and hopeless. I try to count my blessings, which are many. But for most people, things like getting a job and getting pregnant just come natural and easy. Not for us. But one thing I can tell you. I've gotten really good at faking a smile.