Trying to be Thankful.

Here I am, day 5 post embryo transfer. I'm still doing okay, despite the sad news that our 4th embryo did not make it to a blastocycst. So we will be unable to preserve any embryos from this cycle yet again. The embryologist whom I talked to reassured me that they did transfer the best embryos, and that this embryo not making it has no reflection on how the other three embryos will do. It was enough to make me a little upset. I cried for a little bit, because this is likely the last time we will do IVF, and we won't have another shot at it.

It's hard not to get a little discouraged. I've also been getting some cramping as of yesterday and today. Although the doctors did say a little cramping or spotting post embryo transfer is normal and could occur over the next couple of weeks. My mind is still racing as to what this cramping is. Is it due to implantation? Or is my body trying to reject the embryos? Sorry for the TMI, but my nips are still a little sore, so that's a good sign I'm thinking. Or is it because of the hormones? It is so hard not to be paranoid and read into these symptoms. Imagine what 9 months of pregnancy is going to be like for me? (If I get lucky) Or anyone facing pregnancy after infertility, for that matter.

I am trying to be grateful that we at least have had the opportunity to do IVF twice. I know there are infertile couples who can not afford to do this. I read of a woman in People magazine who lived in poverty and suffered from infertility. She also suffered from several miscarriages, which ultimately led her to go crazy. Fertility treatments were too expensive for her, and adoption was even more expensive. Sadly she kidnaped a baby girl from a couple in fear that she would never have a child of her own. She did have a son of her own later on. Her kidnaped daughter eventually figured it out that she had been kidnaped as an infant, around the age of 18 I think. And since then, the woman has been sent to prison. Although what this woman did was a terrible, horrible, horrible thing, and rightfully was punished. I can't help but feel sorry for her. I know exactly what she was going through and there was no help for her. She probably felt so alone.

I'm thankful for the financial help we received from family members to help us with our first IVF. And while my husband was out of work. We've been blessed in so many ways. I'm glad we were able to do IVF again on our own, without needing help this time. I know if it doesn't work out, we could always adopt some time in the future. (Though it may take some time for me to get to the point where I want to adopt.) I'm thankful certain things have lined up for us to do IVF again. One in particular is that I am finally feeling well again. I don't feel depressed. It took me a LONG time to feel well enough to be able to handle doing IVF again. To have the strength to face this, despite having two miscarriages. And although I will be sad and grieve if this does not work out for us, I don't want to go down that black hole I was in again. I want to move forward with our life together.