Sonohysterogram Appointment

Sonohysterogram: the word itself is scary, the actual procedure is even scarier! It is a procedure where the evaluate the uterus by using a balloon and saline to outline the uterus to look for any abnormalities. They say it's comparable to a pap-smear. Wrong! Much worse. The first time I had this procedure done was about a year and a half ago. I passed the test, but barely. I had a tiny polyp, which they said was nothing to worry about. If it were bigger, then they would be concerned it would block and embryo from implanting. All I remember was how painful it was, but worth doing it again a second time to see if the polyp had gotten any bigger over this last year or so. Especially before we do IVF again.

My appointment was this past Friday. Marc had to work, but luckily my mom was in town to go with me. I had taken the Advil like I had been advised an hour before my appointment. (I took 800 mg, even thought they told me 400mg should be fine.) I feel like I'm one of "those" patients that the Doctor's don't look forward to because I don't do well with pain. You know, like at my job, at the dentist. I know certain patients are difficult to get x-rays because of a gag reflex, or have sensitive teeth. "TLC" patients. I'm a TLC patient at the Fertility clinic. I'm sure of it. The nurse takes me back and request that I fill the pee cup to take a pregnancy test. Wouldn't that be awesome, I thought! Then I could just skip all this and go home! But then again the reason why I was here is because I can't get pregnant and I'm currently taking birth control pills to gear up for my upcoming IVF cycle. Highly unlikely. Yep, negative! So that means I can't get out of doing this appointment. Dang it!

So my doctor proceeds with the sonohysterogram, my mom to my left, with me squeezing her hand. I did okay and I tried to focus on my breathing. It was painful. Even with 800mg of Advil in me. At one point the doctor asked me if I wanted him to stop. But I persisted, because I wanted him to get the information he needed. He was seeing something suspicious on the ultrasound, but couldn't get a clear image. We tried a Lortab to see if it would help with the pain. But unfortunately it wasn't working fast enough. He told me that my uterus was contracting (like a gag reflex) and was something I couldn't control. Even with all the Advil and slow breathing. So this made it difficult for him to proceed. I tried hard to relax and he was able to get some images on the ultrasound. I sat there watching him capture some images, and taking measurements on the ultrasound, but he seemed concerned. I jokingly said! It's cancer! Trying to take the ease off the stressful situation. He said it might be the polyp, but was unsure still. He tried hitting it with the catheter, and then tried flushing it with saline. (Which killed by the way.) I could feel my body trying to pull away, which wasn't smart. I could tell that he didn't want to hurt me so he stopped. He then told me that it would be best if I came back so they can put me under, and go inside with a camera to get a better image of what was in my uterus. Whatever it was, they are going to need to surgically remove it. Thankful that it was over, I got dressed and waited in the room with my mom.

I sat there with my mom waiting for him to come back in the room. He was taking a while, so I went up to the ultrasound to get a good look at the images he had still up on the screen. It looked like a three bulges of white ovals on the screen and a atrophied sack around it. My doctor came back into the room. He told me that it was probably one of two things: one being that the polyp had gotten bigger, or two, it could be calcified embryonic tissue. It is possible that with my last D/C surgery after the miscarriage, that they were unable to remove all the tissue, and there was some that remained and calcified. (But that doesn't make sense to me, because my HCG levels had dropped down to zero after my D/C, and I had an empty sac last time. There was something in this sack on the ultrasound.) It is possible that I had another miscarriage and was unaware of being pregnant. He said that the nurses will call me back on Monday, (today) to schedule an appointment for me to come back to do surgery. This may also delay my IVF cycle by one month to let me heal. So, I've got a week of unknown ahead of me....what is this in my uterus???

So now my head spinning. It's probably just that polyp we've been watching...just the polyp, just the polyp. Nothing to worry about. But if it is calcified embryonic tissue, was it from a year ago with my last miscarriage? Or is it from a new (3rd) miscarriage? How long have I been carrying around a dead tissue in my uterus? And of course, this is stirring up old emotions for me regarding my last two miscarriages. I've been looking back to see if I missed something. My cycles have all been on time, or within a day or two. I do remember having an emotional break down in February or March and telling Marc that I felt like my emotions were out of control. Similar to when we did IVF the first time with all that progesterone in me. I would be fine one moment, but break down in tears the next moment for no reason. I remember specifically telling Marc that I felt like I was having another miscarriage, even though I had no proof. Just that my emotions were similar to that when we had that miscarriage. But I don't know if it was just my depression from infertility that was messing with me, or if I really did get pregnant that month and didn't know. All I know was that I was grieving. Grieving hard. I'm also now thinking: Great! Does this mean that if we do IVF again, am I going to have another miscarriage? (confirming all my fears about doing this again.) However, if it calcified embryonic tissue, whether from a year ago or new, I still think I'm okay to proceed with IVF still. I feel like I grieved it and I'm ready to move forward. I'm done with grieving. It just kind of sucks, that's all. But on the bright side of things, the doctor did find something and maybe that will get us closer to achieving our goal of being parents. Who knows at this point. I'm going to try not to let myself think about it. It's probably just the polyp, right?