Support Group

Funny how things line up and fall into place. Or should I say; ironic how things happen which place you in a situation you were meant to be in. I'm talking about the Infertility Support group I'm in. I KNOW I was meant to meet this group of amazing women. Let me tell you, within the span of three months, things have happened to me that I know some supernatural force or guardian angel has led me to.

I think I told you about how I found this group, right? Well, if not I will recap: I was walking my disobedient dogs in my neighborhood, and on my way home I came across a commercial building, literally behind our condos, with the sign on the front door saying "Fertility By Design." I thought "What? A fertility place right behind my house and I never knew it was there." Well I hurried home to go online and check this fertility by design out. All I found was a website, but on this website was a link to the Resolve website. (The National Infertility Association's website.) I'm still not sure what this place is behind my house, but I am so thankful that it led me to Resolve's website, because there was where I found the contact info. for a infertility support group in the Salt Lake area. Ironically, the woman who started this group, just barely formed the group. In fact, this group hadn't even had it's first official meeting yet. (Funny how I found it just as it was starting.) Nothing like this exsisted before, or at least anywhere close to where I live. (Unless I wanted to drive more than an hour away.)

I've only been to two meetings so far, and I'm looking forward to our next meeting tomorrow night. Unfortunately we only meet once a month. Within the first few minutes of our first meeting, I knew I was suppose to be there. For the first time, I felt like I was not alone. That I wasn't the only bunny rabbit who wasn't reproducing like a bunny rabbit. I felt like I could open up about my infertility in a way that I wasn't able to open up before. Like I wasn't going to be judged about what I was saying or thinking because the other women were saying and thinking the same exact things I was.

Soon after our second support group meeting, I was at work, glancing up at our TV on the ceiling, (I work at a dental office.) watching the Today Show. Crock pot recipes!!! So when I had a quick break, I went online to get the recipes, and in the left corner of Today's website, there was a story about a woman, a news reporter, who was breaking the silence about her infertility. She happened to lead a Resolve support group in her city. The Today show was talking about infertility!!!! (Finally!!!) Not only were they talking about infertility, they were talking about the same support group I belonged to! Having the Today show talk about infertility was like People magazine putting and actress who's also struggling with infertility on the front cover. (without a happy ending with a baby.) My co-workers even delighted with me in hearing about the media covering infertility. I didn't have time to look at the video clip at work, but luckily, one of my support group members also saw the clip on the Today show and e-mailed all of us the link. So that was the first thing I did when I got home....I of course posted a comment on the Today show's link. :P

Okay, so you think that would be enough, right? No! Literally a few days later, I get an e-mail from our infertility group leader, saying that our local ABC 4 news wanted to interview our support group! I wasn't sure I would make it because they wanted to start the interview at 5pm...well, I get off work at 4:30...sometimes 5pm. And I would still have to drive down from Ogden to their station in Salt Lake. Luckily, my last patient didn't show up for his appointment at 4pm, so I dashed out of there. And the next thing you know, I'm on the news, talking about infertility along with other members of our support group! This was a great opportunity to break the silence. I know there are other women out there, suffering silently who need to find us and have support. I wasn't afraid of showing my face on TV about this if I knew I would be helping someone else.

So even amongst all of this stuff happening, I am still finding the urge to feed my addiction and try to get pregnant. I'm one of those "lucky" ones who can feel when I ovulate...instead of lucky, I would say with infertility, it's more like I'm "cursed." Because you start to count up how many times you've had sex in the last few days, and think..."Okay, we're covered...4 times. This month, for sure we will get pregnant." or "We've only had sex once in the last few days...just one more try, that will be the icing on the cake." Knowing when you ovulate makes sex torture, miserable, and takes all the fun out of it. I no longer tell my husband if I've ovulated. That is the worst thing on a marriage.

What is worse is the two week wait period. Especially for me. Within a few days after I ovulate, something in my body changes...hormones. Progesterone surge. For me, this means depression starts. Immediately, my feelings of being okay, positive, and content go right out the door. It's like my body knows I've already lost the battle this month, and I still have another two weeks to go before I officially start my period. I literally break down in tears so easily, and question if I need to be on an antidepressant. I've been on them before during school to help with test anxiety. But I get the worst side effects. The reason why I'm blogging tonight was to literally pull myself out of one of my crying spells, panic attack, what ever you want to call it. My poor husband takes the brunt of these. He does pretty well handling me for the most part, but then sometimes he gets frustrated and starts pushing adoption again. Which doesn't help and only makes it worse. He's ready to adopt. I'm not there yet. I don't want to hear a solution, I only want to feel like my feelings are validated. He did make me (buy take-out) dinner for me tonight. Which is just what I need. When I feel this way, the last thing I want to do is make dinner and take care of him or the dogs. I need the nurturing. That's why I'm looking forward to tomorrow's support group meet. I need it.