Okay, so here we go again...it's Fall

Okay, so here we go again... it's Fall...Holiday Season officially starts now. As much as I love the holidays, I also kind of hate them too, for mocking me. With Halloween just around the corner, also lurks the two year "anniversary" of finding out about my first miscarriage. Yes, I went in for my first ultrasound on Halloween 2008, (a.k.a. "Day of the Dead"-ironic?) and found out we lost our baby at 6 weeks when we were suppose to be 10 weeks. I braved through that day, opening the door for small children, handing out candy. Now I get to be bombarded by little cute kids in their costumes at my door with proud parents in the background saying "Trick or Treat" again. Yet another reminder of what I would be doing this year: I would have had a little youngster about a year and a half old, toting them around with me in their Halloween costume. Ugh! I know I don't have to hand out candy, but a part of me still loves Halloween enough to do it. I'm crazy. And then of course there's Christmas: The Miracle that Jesus was born. Where's my miracle baby? Now I get to see a bunch of nativity scene's with "Baby" Jesus everywhere. If God can create Jesus without natural conception, which is mind boggling, can't He help a girl out? (I hope I'm not being too sac-religious) Christmas morning is always hard too because I think that I should have a child here, opening gifts, not my dogs. (who are my child surrogates) If you think about it, holiday's are really just for children, and for adults to have a reason to get out of work and be with "Family." (Another word that bugs me because I can't have one.) But for some reason, I still find myself decorating my home for the holidays...why?

And with it being the fall season, typically I plant my tulip bulbs around this time of year. But this year I declare that I'm boycotting tulips!!! Why you might ask? Well, when I was prego with my first miscarriage, I planted tulips out in my yard, dreaming about my due date which was in May. I remember thinking to myself that "by the time these early spring bulbs blossom, I will have a baby bump that would resemble the shape of a tulip. And when my late spring bulbs blossom, I will be bringing my baby home." I imagined myself walking to my front door, walking past those tulips, with my baby in my arms. The other reason why I hate tulips is because they remind me of this past May when we did IVF. And the day that we found out about our second miscarriage, was the day that my last tulip died. Symbolic? I guess the tulip represented hope towards the future for me. Knowing that I had something to look forward to to help get me through the winter. Now I have little hope for the future. It also represent's a prego belly. I hate prego bellies! It's shaped like an egg...my eggs are soggy! What else...oh yeah, if there's a late spring storm with lots of wind and hail, it ruins them. Waste of money! I hope there's a late spring storm this upcoming year, and it will destroy everyone else's tulips so I don't have to look at them! Am I being a little dramatic?

I know, my blog is a little pessimistic today. I guess I'm just a little perturbed about a comment that was made to me yesterday by a patient. We were sharing about our hellish nights that we had: His was that his window well was leaking water into his basement from the storm we had and mine was that we were woken up by the sound of our fire alarms blaring loudly at 2 am from dead batteries...(oops! forgot to change those.) I admit, I'd rather be woken up by false alarm than having a flood in my basement, but his comment to me was "Did your fire alarm wake up your kids?" Did you catch that...kids with an "s"...plural...meaning that he not only assumed that I was a parent, but that I would be so lucky like everyone else and have more than one child at my age. What the hell? And then I was approached by another patient yesterday about that stupid question...."So...do you have any kids?!" And I know I shouldn't have watched that episode of Guiliana and Bill on Style network last night either about them finding out about their miscarriage with IVF. That just brought back a bunch of bad memories...anyways. I guess I just needed to rant tonight and blow off some steam. So there you have it.

If You're Not a Mommy, Then What Are You? Addition Type 6 & 7

So after I posted my last blog to facebook, I got a comment from one of my friends. I had to publish this to my blog. This is an addition to my last blog "If you're not a mommy, then what are you." And I can't believe I didn't think of Jennie's type 7: the Smug Mom! I run into the Smug Mom all the time!

Jennie Teel Wolter: I'd like to add Type 6 and Type 7:

Type 6 is the Overly Anxious person. This person just adds to your stress by constantly asking how you're doing, what your doctor said, if you're ovulating, and if you feel pregnant this month. They think they're being supportive but you just wish you never told them you were trying to get pregnant. Type 6 was my second least favorite after the Know it All.

Type 7 is the Smug Mom. This person says things like "Wow, I got pregnant on my first try." Or, "I can't imagine, whenever my hubby looks at me I get pregnant, hahaha!" Laugh all you want smart-ass, you're not funny and there's a special little place in hell for you. I had a Type 7 as a nurse when Ted and I were visiting fertility doctors. I'm literally getting prepared for an ultrasound and she says to me, "So, you're having trouble getting pregnant? Yeah, I had all of my five kids on the first try. I couldn't not get pregnant". I switched doctors.

October 13 at 4:46pm · · 2 people

"If you're not a mommy, than what are you?"

You know, I feel like the instant I was born, I was trained to become a mother. It's like they immediately through a doll into your arms and tell you that your whole purpose in life is to become a mother. I even planned my life around becoming a mom with my education and career choice. You go to an LDS church and that's all you hear about growing up; is about your divine role to become a mother. You do what you're told, wait till marriage to have sex so you don't get pregnant, and then when you get married and want to get pregnant, you can't. It's not fair! The LDS church is SO overly family oriented. (Not that that's a bad thing.) But when you don't have kids of your own, or still single for that matter, you sort of feel like an outcast. At least most bible stories about women are those like Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah, who also, like me, struggled with infertility. I like to think that because I struggle with infertility, that one day I will also have and important child like Issac, Joseph, or Samuel. A kid who becomes a world leader or a Prophet. Haha...I can only wish. I can relate with Rachel, seeing other women pregnant. Genisis Chapter 30 vs. 1 "And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die." I've been through sorrow and tears like Hannah. 1 Samuel Chapter 1 vs. 6 and 10 "And her adversity also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord shut up her womb. And she was bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord, and wept sore." What's funny is that society is still SO ignorant today about infertility as they were in biblical times. Why haven't we gotten further with Infertility Awareness out in the public yet? We as women are made to feel as though we have no purpose without children. People look at you differently if you don't have children. And for those woman who chose not to have children, society has to question why. "What's wrong with her?" Like it's a bad thing that she doesn't want to have children. People are so judgmental...I'll get to that in a minute.

Speaking of being trained to be a mom: I grew up with a mom who ran a "second generation daycare" out of our home. My mom chose this career because that's what my grandmother did and she could still be home with her kids. My mom's motherly talents wore off on me as I honed my own skills; babysitting other families kids and working for her daycare throughout high school. Though I became just as good as my mom is with kids, I was determined not to be the third generation daycare provider. And thank goodness for that, I would have hated my life caring for other people's children, meanwhile not being able to have my own. But back then as a teenager, I had other plans. I didn't want to become a daycare provider because I didn't want my house smelling like dirty diapers forever. I also didn't want my child to have to worry about accidentally leaving a small item like a pencil from homework in my room, have some daycare kid choke on it, and then threaten my license for daycare. I became a neat freak because of that. But like my mom, I also planned my career choice around becoming a mom, because I knew how important it would be for me to spend time with my children and have flexibility with my job. Becoming a dental hygienist offered me that flexibility. Even if I eventually decided to only work part time or even one day a week, I could have that option. I knew it was important for me to finish my education, heaven forbid anything like unemployment, sickness, or injury befell my husband. (haha) I didn't want to be one of those LDS girls who got married at 19 and got pregnant right away. To be honest, that scared the crap out of me. I know of some girls who did get married straight out of high school and got divorced later on, and three children later and no education...now what? I guess I just didn't want to be like my mom who never finished her education, got married young, and did daycare for a living. Don't get me wrong. I love that age group of 0-5 years of age. I just wouldn't want to deal with it for 30 something plus years. And my mom is EXCELLENT at what she does. I only wish she could live closer to help when I finally have kids.

So getting back to people being judgmental and/or ignorant. I came across a website on insensitive comments and infertility. Anyone going through infertility will come across some dumb idiot who wants to tell you what they think, without regard to your feelings. And the things that people will say are SO insensitive and they don't even realize it! I know most people mean well, but there are ways of saying things without being hurtful. I just want people to be aware of what they say to me and other's going through infertility. This website categorized four types of people and their comments: The Know-It-All, God's Messenger, The Miserable Parent, and The Blamer. I'd also like to add two more types of people of my own that I've come across with: The Joker and The Innocent Child.

Type One: The Know-It-All. This person thinks they have all the answers to your infertility problems. They will say things like: "It will happen." (Really? You actually know it will happen?) "You just need to relax." (Hello! I am relaxed; I don't have kids yet! I spend my time doing whatever I want...getting massages, going to the gym, spend my money on nice expensive clothing, travel on luxurious vacations. Trust me, I am more "relaxed" than you are!) They are the ones who will say things like: "Have you tried this/that?" (Yes, we've checked into everything and the Doctor's are still scratching their heads.) Type Two: God's Messenger. This person will say hurtful things like "Maybe having children isn't in God's plan for you." "Just Adopt." "If you adopt, then you'll get pregnant...I know a friend who...." You are selfish for wanting your own children. Their are foster kids out there who are abused and need homes." (Let me tell you something. Not everyone is cut out to handle foster children or has what it takes to be a foster parent...more power to those people who are able to do this. Adoption isn't right for just anyone either. I'm sure after struggling with infertility, and then having the mother change their mind about placing their child for adoption, after you've already taken that child home and bonded with them, and gotten everything else ready. Don't you think getting your hopes up for another adoption would be difficult and jaded?) Type Three: The Miserable Parent. They will say things like "Be careful what you wish for." "I'm so jealous of you with all your free time." (Yeah, you better be jealous of me like I am jealous of you. We always want what we can't have...and never appreciate what we do have. So you better appreciate your kids and treat them well! And yes, I do enjoy my free time, but with all that free time, it gets kind of lonely...I really do want a "mini-me.") Type Four: The Blamer. According to them, it's your own fault that you are having fertility issues. "You waited too long." "You need to gain/lose some weight." "Maybe you wouldn't have miscarried if you didn't drink caffeine that one day, or ate deli meat or sugar, or taken those hot showers." "Maybe if you did get pregnant, you would have a handicap child, because of bad genetics. You wouldn't want to take care of a handicap child for the rest of your life." (That one came from my own grandmother, believe it or not!) It's like they validate everything you've thought bad about yourself. I would like to add my own type now. Type Five: The Joker. These are some of the most hurtful comments anyone can make. They will say things out of feeling uncomfortable and are completely ignorant. They say things like: "You know you have to take your clothes off first, right?" "You know it goes in the hole, right?" "What's wrong with you? Can't your boy's swim?" I was listening to the radio one morning and heard a caller ask a guest fortune teller on the morning program about wether or not she would have children. This woman had struggled with infertility for four years. Thankfully the fortune teller said that she would get pregnant, but the radio talk show host were making fun of this poor woman saying comments like those mentioned above. I was disgusted and e-mailed that radio station...I still haven't heard anything back from them. Surprised? Then finally Type Six: The Innocent Child. They, like most kids are taught about mommies and daddies, and don't understand anything different. They say things like: "If you're not a mommy, than what are you?" (Yeah kid, I don't know what I am or who I am for that matter. Thanks for pointing that out. I simply don't fit in with everyone else.)

Obviously we don't need these kind of comments. What we need are comments like: "I'll be thinking of you." "If you want to talk about it, give me a call." "I'll be praying for you." And if you don't believe in God. "I'll be praying to the fertility gods for you." I know most people mean well. And I do appreciate people's concern, and ideas from people with their own experiences with infertility. I had a friend who told me once: "I won't tell you that it will happen, because that's what everyone always told me, and I hated it. The truth is that it might not happen, but hang in there." I really appreciated that from her. :)

Distracted

Luckily over the last month or so I have been distracted by wedding stuff. I am pleased to announce that my sister is now married! Wedding stuff is now officially over. :( Oh how I love weddings! And my sister's wedding was absolutely beautiful. I could do it all over again. Helping pick out wedding dresses, bride's maid dresses, flowers, cake....etc. I love it! I think this time, with it being my sister's wedding, I was able to enjoy helping her pick stuff. Where as with my own wedding I was a little more stressed. I kept telling my sister the best advice that was given to me: "Enjoy planning your wedding, even though you just want to hurry up and get married, you only get to plan your wedding once." (hopefully just once) Enjoy the ride.

I think that's the problem with life. We are always wanting to hurry to the next step or chapter in life that we don't slow down to enjoy what is going on right now. As a kid, I wanted to hurry up and be 16 so I could drive. When I was 16, I just wanted my independence so I could do what I want. When I was dating Marc, I just wanted to get married. Obviously now, I just want to hurry up to the next step and have a baby. Maybe with my struggle with infertility is trying to teach me patience to enjoy the moments before they pass me by. Maybe by the time I do have a child, I will be better at appreciating the moments of raising them, rather than trying to get them to hurry through their steps of growing up of "first steps, first words, first grade, graduation, married....grandkids."

Now that my sister is married, and my brother soon to follow next year, my worry is that they will start having kids before me. And that I will have to watch them move on with their lives with families, while Marc and I continue to struggle. It's already hard to see friends pregnant, ( I avoid them more because they are prego) I don't know how I will handle having my own siblings have babies. Not that I wish infertility on anyone. I'd hate to see my sisters go through the same thing I've gone through. But I don't want to avoid my sisters because they are prego.

"What about Adoption"

Today ended a little weird. It first started off when on my way home from work, I was going to stop by a scrap booking store before I headed to cash my check. Or so I thought it was a scrap booking store...well it was 10 years ago, when I went there last. It was now called "Pollywogs to Tadpoles", I thought they must have changed the name of the store. Oh no, I get it now. What I found was a BABY Boutique!!! How embarrassing. Of course I was the only one in there, so I was bombarded by questions...ugh! "I'm just looking." I said. I stayed long enough to see the baby bedding, and then bolted out of there. Hey, at least I know they carry some of the couture baby bedding brand that I like, you know, if that day ever comes...sigh. At least I can laugh at myself today. Two weeks ago, I would have been bawling in my car after such incident.

Then later on tonight, my TV show got interrupted by a telephone call. I hit pause. And after I took that phone call, I hit a pause in a different way. On my life...something that could change my life, but I wasn't expecting it at all. A friend of mine from my ward (church congregation), who knows about our little infertility struggle called. Her mother works for an adoption agency and they have a little boy who will be born around Christmas time, and the mother is looking to place him for adoption. She has two other children of her own that she has kept, but for some reason, she can't keep this little one. My friend gave me her mom's phone number, and if we wanted, we could send her some pictures of us and a letter...etc. I still have yet to tell Marc this, but I really don't know how I feel. I guess we could always send her the info, and say no if we don't feel it's right. But that's the thing. I don't want to adopt unless I know in my heart that it is right. I don't want to adopt if I don't feel ready to. And I don't know if I am. I guess it would be different if I knew my only way to have a child was through adoption. Say if had to have a hysterectomy, for whatever reason, and that was it, then making that decision to adopt might be easier. But I've been pregnant!!! I don't want to give up on that. And just because I adopt doesn't me I have to give up on that. But there is still more testing that needs to be done to find out what's wrong. Expensive testing, and paying for a $20,000 adoption would halt us in proceeding in finding out what is wrong. If the doctors know what is wrong, there are ways around things to fix the problem. If there isn't anything that can be done, well then maybe yes, adoption may be considered further.

So I know what most of you are thinking when you see someone struggle with infertility:"What about adoption?" Obviously we have considered adoption, anyone experiencing infertility will face this question. Not only face the question themselves, but from others as well. (We infertile's get asked this question a lot, by the way.) This is just the first time adoption has come up as an actual possibility for us. Honestly, I don't know how I feel about it yet. Adoption is a totally different step in a different direction. I consider adoption such a sacred process and whom ever goes into adoption has to be ready to face it head on. For both the mother and adoptive parents. I have the utmost respect for any couple who has decided to or has adopted, and likewise, any mother who places their child into another couples arms. I don't know how they do it. And I just don't know if I'm ready to head that direction right now. If you asked my husband, he would be ready to adopt the second I was ready.

There are a lot of issues surrounding adoption that I don't agree with or like. For instance: I know how much I want a child and how much it hurts me that I am experiencing difficulty in the fertility department. But I couldn't comprehend how hard and how much it would hurt to place your own child for adoption. I don't want to be apart of hurting someone else to get what I want. That poor mother will face a lifetime of pain every time that child's birthday comes up every year, or mother's day, etc...there will always be little reminders for that mother about the child she gave up. Second: I don't want any mother to feel as though she "HAS TO" give up her child. That child is first and for-most hers. I wish there were more help out there for teen moms to keep their babies. And I don't want to put myself in a situation of getting my hopes up for an adoptive child, and then have those dreams shattered again if they change their mind. (which they totally have the right to.) Third: I don't like how adoption agency's make perspective parents write up a synopsis of themselves and try to "sell" to the perspective mother their lifestyle. I don't want to have to feel as though I am selling myself and my husband to some poor, scared and confused teenage mom, and then turn around and pay money for a child. Fourth: Do you know how extensive they have to do background check on couples? My sister in-law, who is adopting again, showed me the fat paper work she was filling out for catholic family services. Did you know you need an FBI background check? And have Social Services come to your house and evaluate you and your spouse? It's like they are looking at you from under a microscope! Obviously they want to make sure those perspective couples are, well, you know, "with it" enough for a child. Fifth: there are emotional factors surrounding this subject. Too many to count. Not that every adopted child turns out this way, but I have four adopted cousins myself. Three out of the four had children very young and out of wedlock. Some were also heavily into drugs and alcohol. One of them even left his wife and kids, soon after he found out that his wife had a degenerative disease that caused her to go deaf and blind. No kidding. They all have a lot of issued between their adoptive parents. I have seen how much hurt my aunts and uncles have gone through with them. I know they do open adoptions now, which may have made all the difference in my cousin's cases. But then again, I don't want the mother too involved. I don't want to send pictures, letters, or updates. I think just making sure we always had an address and phone number so when the child was mature and ready, say 18 years old, then they can make the choice if they want to contact them. Sixth: How would I handle having an adoptive child? There is no doubt in my mind that I would love the child, but would I emotionally withdrawal myself? How do I explain to that child they are adopted so that it doesn't screw up their self worth? And what if I did finally get pregnant and have another child? Would I treat my own child any different than the adopted child because of that special bond formed in the womb?

Maybe the whole point of this blog is to talk myself out of adoption at this point. Or maybe reiterate to myself that I'm not ready yet. It's definitely something I will have to talk to Marc about, and pray about.

Infertility: An Addiction Recovery Process

I had an Ah-Ha moment! It happened last night when I took my husband out to dinner for his birthday after we exchange his birthday gift: jeans that didn't fit for the right size. I was already feeling horrible because I had ruined his real birthday, which was Sunday, by sinking into another deep depression spell over the weekend. We got into a long discussion about how my infertility was affecting me. He thought I should at least seek a counselor, which he is probably right. But I had real reason to be upset this time. I was 10 days late for my period!!! I've never been that late before. And of-course, I got my hopes up. Day by day, as that stupid period wouldn't start, I started believing that maybe this time was for real...maybe we would be one of those lucky few that do all the fertility procedures, have them fail, and then miraculously get pregnant on our own. And wouldn't it have been cool if I could have surprised him on his birthday with the news that I was pregnant? Only if...

Anyways, he and I got to talking. He made a profound comparison: "A guy dealing with a pornography addiction is like a woman dealing with infertility." He said "No matter what you do, it's always going to be in your face. It's how you decide to cope with it and let it affect you." I never thought of it that way before, but yes! Sex is thrown out in there in the media so much, it's hard not to see it. For someone dealing with an addiction to pornography, it only gets amplified, because that's all they see and think about. I get it! Well, now I guess I have to admit here that I have an addiction to getting pregnant. It's all I see and think about. I'm constantly thrown into situations were all I see are pregnant bellies and babies. Media throws "Motherhood" in my face all the time! (Right now it's "Back-to-School time.") In fact I think about it so much that I dream about it. I've become so condition over these last few years of trying to conceive, that month by month, year by year, it has grown into this addiction. I can't escape it. I can't help but think: "I'm probably ovulating or I might be pregnant." Not that it's a bad addiction to have, or a sin, (hello! I'm trying to fulfill a commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth"), but it has affected me so much that it has also affected others that I care about. i.e. my husband. It has affected my relationship with friends and family.

I tell you what, Satan really does know what he's doing...coupling infertility with pornography. Unfortunately, when seeking help for infertility, pornography inadvertently gets thrown into the equation. And no matter how careful you might try to be, well, let's just be honest here. It's sucks for the guy...to do the walk of shame down the hallway to that little room. Everyone knows what they are doing. And if they are recovering from an addiction from pornography, God help them. It's so hard for us as women who are already suffering from infertility, to now feel inadequate, due to pornography. That was one of my biggest concerns going into doing Artificial Insemination and Invitro Fertilization. But what can you do? It's there. In your face.

I think in my process of trying to overcome this constant badgering in my head over my infertility, I might use the 12 step recovery program in helping me get back to normal. So here we go: Step 1: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable. "I Ra'Chelle, admit that I am powerless over my infertility and my life has become a slave to my cycle."

Some Good News

So I apologize for not posting anything new in a while. I found a website called daily strength that specializes in grief support groups. And I have been spending a lot of time on there. They have all types of support groups from anything from depression support groups, to job loss, to of course, infertility support groups. I was also given a book by a co-worker called "But If Not. When Bad things Threaten to Destroy Good People. Both have been really helpful in helping me heal.

On the up side of things, my husband found a job!!!! Almost after a year of searching, it sounds like things may actually start falling into place for us. It's a job at Hill Air Force Base. Though the pay won't be near what he was making before, we will at least get benefits! Benefits that will hopefully pay for some genetic testing that we need...I don't know if they will, but fingers crossed! Also, they are really good about working with his school schedule. I was really worried that he would get a jog somewhere, we would have to pick up and move, and he wouldn't be able to finish his MBA program at Weber State. And once he gets his MBA, there is a chance he might be able to move up a couple of levels...and pay!!! He should be starting on the 30th of this month.

On the fertility side of things, I've been having all these weird dreams. Dreams that have brought up a lot of issues for me. One dream, I dreamt my husband had an illegitement child, and the mother was a terrible mother and we were trying to get custody of this little four year old girl. I remember feeling so much love for this little girl, even though she wasn't my own. Another dream I had was that I found out that my younger sister was pregnant, BEFORE me! And the last dream I've had was that I was pushing around a stroller with a newborn girl at OfficeMax, and my husband and I ran into an old friend. But the baby wasn't our, we were watching our new little niece, whom my sister in-law had through IVF, which worked for her. I have had all three dreams within the last three days. I don't know why, but I know all these dreams point to my fears. Like adoption, or my sister having kids before me, or never being able to have kids. It sucks!