Disturbia

I have this image in my head. Some of you may laugh, some of you may be appalled ...But this is meant to be a comical post...hopefully. (with some dark humor-a warning.) It's my way of trying to find some humor in a horrible situation, so bare with me. Picture this: A music video of my life's experience with infertility with Rhianna's song "Disturbia" playing in the back ground. When this song came out in 2008, I was newly pregnant (finally), and I imagined myself doing a little pregnancy dance with my fat pregnant belly to this song during the "Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum dum."Unfortunately, I never did get to do that pregnancy dance to that song with a full preggy belly because of my miscarriage. So now, of course, every time I hear this song it reminds me of pregnant bellies. Blah! I think about all those preggy bellies I come across in a day, just mocking me, living in "Disturbia" (Utah) If you have a preggy belly, trust me, I'm the first one who notices. You come out of no where. Seriously! Anyway, it wasn't until I paid attention to the words to Disturbia, that I realized this song really could be interpreted on how someone experiencing infertility views the world she lives in. Well, here it is:

P.S. If you are pregnant. Don't read this. This is a Satire on pregnancy and infertility. You vs. Me.

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Taking a preggy test, to find it's positive. Do the preggy dance.)
What’s wrong with me? (Dr. tells you, you had a miscarriage.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (See a fellow preggy friend, after finding out about miscarriage.)
Why do I feel like this? (Crying in bed, husband brings me the dog to cuddle with.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Back at work, co-worker announces their pregnancy.)
I’m going crazy now (Everywhere: a preggy belly: grocery store, chiropractor, gym.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Commercials on TV: Octomom!. -Really?)

No more gas in the rig (Not mo-jo left to "try.")
(Can’t even get it started) (Don't want to get out of bed this morning.)
Nothing heard, nothing said (Awkward for other people, not knowing what to say.)
(Can’t even speak about it) (Yep, don't want to talk about it...it didn't happen.)
All my life on my head (Infertility on my mind 24/7!)
(Don’t want to think about it) (Why can't I think of anything else?)
Feels like I’m going insane (more crying)
Yeah… (Another preggy test: Yep, negative...negative...NEGATIVE!!!!)

It’s a thief in the night (Bloated, peeing lots, 2:30am pee again? ...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
To come and grab you (My boobs are sore, nips are sore...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
It can creep up inside you (Don't drink Caffeine. ...Maybe I'm pregnant.)
And consume you (Don't eat too much sugar. ...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
A disease of the mind (Don't over do it at the gym. ...Maybe I'm pregnant?)
It can control you (Maybe I'm pregnant, Maybe I'm pregnant, Maybe I'm pregnant.)
It’s too close for comfort (No!!!! Negative....Stupid fertility meds. and their side effects!)

Throw on your break lights (Everyone whose pregnant, let's throw the spotlight on you!)
We’re in the city of wonder (We're in Utah, from Provo to Logan, cities of wonder! Disturbia)
Ain’t gonna play nice (People my age with 3...4...5 kids...and another on the way!)
Watch out, you might just go under (I'm drowning in a sea of pregnant people!)
Better think twice (Double take, are those Twins! Really?)
Your train of thought will be altered (more crying...why GOD?)
So if you must faulter be wise (I don't fit in here.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Infertility depression.)
It’s like the darkness is the light (The Devil can't have children...he's trying to be my friend.)
Disturbia (Depression-leave me alone.)
Am I scaring you tonight (Am I scaring you?...cause this is what it's like.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Why GOD, what did I do? Make Satan go away.)
Ain’t used to what you like (I know, I put you out of your comfort zone reading this.)
Disturbia (Now you are starting to get the picture?)
Disturbia (This is it. The world of infertility.)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (And que the full preggy belly: "Pregnancy Dance", go!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (All you ladies with your preggy belly, get on the dance floor!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Mock me with your preggy bellies!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (Mock me with your cute babies and their baby carriers!)

Faded pictures on the wall (Faded dreams of having children, as each month, year passes.)
(It’s like they talkin’ to me) (Or "Wall of Babies"-photos at the OBGYN's...tease, laugh, scorn.)
Disconnectin’ your call (Disconnecting with friends who now are preggy or have kids.)
(Your phone don’t even ring) (Isolation: No one can relate with you.)
I gotta get out (I gotta get out of Utah.)
Or figure this sh** out (Doctor's can't figure this sh** out,"Unexplained Infertility" BS!)
It’s too close for comfort (You're preggy? Go away! -No Offense.)
Ohohoh… (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

It’s a thief in the night (Imagine you were robed of your biological right to have children.)
To come and grab you (Suddenly your children disappeared, who are you now?)
It can creep up inside you (Imagine only feeling a dead baby inside you.)
And consume you (Not knowing why you can't have kids: eats you alive.)
A disease of the mind (You feel inadequate as a human being. You're broken.)
It can control you (Imagine tattooing the words: "Incomplete" across you belly.)
I feel like a monster (You feel like an "IT" more than a "Woman.")

Ohohoh… (Ahhhhhhhhh! Yes I'm screaming in my head again!)

Throw on your break lights (Hold up! Wake up! Let's shed some light on infertility.)
We’re in the city of wonder (city you like) (Yes, Utah. You are the MOST ignorant State on Infertility!)
Ain’t gonna play nice (Not everyone lives this "Perfect Family" lifestyle you've created.)
Watch out, you might just go under (Watch out, if your not "perfect" you won't fit in.)
Better think twice (think twice) (Sorry, we "All" don't get married or "All" have kids or both.)
Your train of thought will be altered (Let's look outside the box, walk in someone else's shoes.)
So if you must faulter be wise (be wise) (So when life doesn't go as planned, judging fingers don't point.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Utah and your preggy bellies, You are my Disturbia!)
It’s like the darkness is the light (It's like the illusion of having "Family" is a lie. I'm infertile.)
Disturbia (I'm jealous.)
Am I scaring you tonight, disturbia (Your pregnant bellies are haunting me.)
Ain’t used to what you like (what you like) (I can't go anywhere without seeing a preggy gal.)
Disturbia (P.S. JoAnn's Fabric is "Mommy Mecca", I'll avoid that store.)
Disturbia (Seriously, I went there, and I nearly had a panic attack.)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (And que the mocking "Pregnant Belly Dance"-Go!)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (The preggy ladies in line, with your babies hang'n out the cart)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum ("It's a Mom's world; We're here to help" signs at grocery store)
Disturbia… (A whole mall of preggy woman doing a flash dance.)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (I knew I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.)

Release me from this curse, I mean (More preggy patients at work, for me to work with.)
I’m trying to remain tame (Here we go, I have to fake like I'm interested in her pregnancy.)
But I’m struggling (Fake smile....fake smile...fake smile......)
You can’t go, go, go (I can't keep going like this.)
I think I’m going to oh, oh, oh (I think I'm going to throw up. Oh wait no, that would mean...)

Throw on your break lights (Stupid picture on my prenatal vitamins of a preggy woman.)
We’re in the city of wonder (Stupid celebrity magazine with preggy mom's an new babies!)
Ain’t gonna play nice (Stupid Octomom! Again? Seriously God, why her and not me?)
Watch out, you might just go under (Stupid people telling me I have "other options.")

Better think twice (I'll adopt when we're ready to, not because you tell me to.)

Your train of thought will be altered (Stupid TV, you are my friend. I'm addicted to you, I have no life.)

So if you must faulter be wise (Stupid Twilight books, I had to stop reading, cause Bella's preg.)
Your mind is in disturbia (Stupid preg. lady at chiropractor, complaining about pregnancy.)
It’s like the darkness is the light (Opps! Did I just accidentally step on her glasses she dropped?)
Disturbia (Ha! ...well they did happen to land right under my foot.)
Am I scaring you tonight, disturbia (Stupid body being late...seriously a up to 10 days late at times.)
Ain’t used to what you like (Stupid years of Negative pregnancy tests!)
Disturbia (Stupid IUI's and IVF that didn't work...empty sac.)
Disturbia (Stupid miscarriages. Stupid Doctors. Stupid Insurance.)

(Stupid cost of infertility, and anyone trying to make a dollar off this sucky situation! Greedy jerks!)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (And que the mocking "Pregnant Belly Dance.")
Bum bum be-dum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Ohoohhhhh…
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (I hope one day, my future self can do the mocking
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum "Pregnant Belly Dance" at my past self.")

Thank you Rhianna for this song.

Time for a New Post

I know I kind of disappeared during the holidays. The holidays are HARD when you are involuntary childless. I've done a lot of introspection and thinking about where I am at emotionally since my last post. I guess you can say November for me, though it was a difficult month, was sort of a break through. I believe I needed that second phase of grieving to be able to move forward. I believe that since my IVF failed in May, that I've been living in a state of denial. I thought, well...if we didn't have help through insurance for genetic testing, or any other testing, then there was no point in moving forward. When my husband finally got a new job in August, and got a better insurance in September, I still ignored making that phone call to the new insurance company to see if they would help cover genetic testing. I ignored making that call because that meant I was moving forward, and I wasn't ready to move forward yet. November came, and I needed to make that call to the insurance company. Mainly because not knowing what my infertility diagnosis is, was eating me up inside. I know something is wrong and we haven't found it yet. Unexplained infertility is my diagnosis still. I believe having to make that call to the insurance was the trigger that sent me into an emotional roller coaster ride.

To update you on the insurance issue, we are STILL waiting to hear back from them. We had our fertility clinic send a pre-authorization to see if they will help us cover the genetic testing. (Our insurance company is suppose to cover infertility diagnostic testing, but genetic testing can be an exception to the rule, so we have to get permission from the insurance first.) Genetic testing is EXPENSIVE, and we'd rather use that money towards another IVF. Well we called the insurance company, since we haven't heard anything and it's turned into this big fiasco of miscommunication between the insurance and the fertility clinic. I was on the phone with the insurance company, asking questions, and I guess I wasn't being assertive enough, so my husband grabbed for the phone and took over. It was nice to see that he was making an effort to help and stick up for me in a way. Basically we now have the information of the person who is overseeing our case with the insurance company, and the person who will be communicating with the insurance from the fertility clinic...supposedly they are getting this rolling for us. But it's frustrating. I'm at the point of, lets just get the testing done and I don't care how much it's going to cost.

Well, after going through some difficult last few months, (and still grieving) I've decided that I need some help. I made an appointment with a counselor. She is up at the Univ. Hosp. and specializes in infertility. The insecurities of infertility is on my mind 24/7. I'm glad I did this because the day of my first appointment is the day before what would have been our baby's due date January 20th. That for me will be a difficult day. It's funny to think how "anniversaries" of certain days can trigger these emotional spells of depression. Christmas...Oh look, another Christmas without our baby. Last Christmas, and the Christmas before, I was sure that the following Christmas we'd have our baby, and still no children opening up gifts under the tree. New Years...Oh maybe, just maybe this year will be the year I get pregnant. No, just another year to go by with out any luck....I wonder what more bad stuff can happen to us in 2011. Seriously, after having the most difficult 5 years of marriage, particularly the last three years, what more can be thrown in our faces? I'm glad I've married my best friend to get me through all this crap. Birthdays are just depressing because I'm another year older, reaffirming my biological clock is ticking, and I'm running out of time. And our first miscarriage's baby's due date was the day after my birthday...I also was newly grieving over the news of our failed IVF (early miscarriage) around that time. Well you get the idea. Certain dates trigger emotional upsets.

Also, something I wish I would have found a lot earlier in my struggle with infertility is a website called www.resolve.org. It's the National Infertility Association's website. It is the best infertility website!!! Through this website, I also was able to find a support group, which I attended for the first time Wednesday night. I was walking my dogs in my neighborhood and came across a building with a sign on the front window "Fertility by Design." I thought "What?" "A fertility place, literally behind my house?" So I went online as soon as I got home to look up this "Fertility by Design". It turns out, at least I think, that it is an office for the website itself. But there was a link on Fertility by Design's page, which led me to www.resolve.org. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is what I've been looking for! You would think that with struggling with infertility for so long, I would have found this sooner, but I will attribute it to living in Utah...The most ignorant and unfriendly to infertile's State to live in! (My opinion)

So I went to the doctor last Friday, you know, for my regular check-up, pap...blah. I went to a new doctor, because my old one had moved. So I get to the office, dreading this visit because I know there will be "The Wall." (Baby photos of this months new arrivals!) But not only that, the whole office is covered in large portraits of babies. You know, like the cute calendar babies in flowers. I get into the exam room and there's a large portrait of twins. I look over to the other wall in the exam room and there are pamphlets of different disorders like polycystic ovarian disorder, ovarian cancer, endometriosis...and I'm thinking to myself: "Where's the pamphlet on Infertility?"

I still want to try IVF again, but obviously find out what's wrong before. I'm moving forward slowly, but I am moving forward. That's what counts. I've had good dreams this week too. One was that I saw myself pregnant in a mirror, wearing a black and white shirt, and I was smiling back at myself. Another dream was that I was in St. George with my in-laws, brother in-laws and their families celebrating Easter, and we were at my in-law's new home they built (which they currently have property down there.) I was sitting on the floor with our little girl in my lap. We were flipping through a People magazine together, and my little girl was pointing to the shoes in the pictures saying "shoes!" "shoes!"Her first words :) I was so proud of her. In that dream I thought to myself "I love being a mom."

Crying...A Lot.

Even with starting this new post, I am crying as I listen to The Frames: Falling Slowly and Cold Play: Fix You on my itunes. I've been crying a lot lately. I don't know if it's just delayed mourning over my failed IVF from 6 months ago or what....? My crying spells always seem to happen during my lunch break. Luckily I live 2 minutes from work, so I'm home for lunch, and my crying episodes. I get about 20 minutes to let it out, touch up my make-up, pull my self together, and head back to work. I feel like I'm in auto-pilet, emotion-less, moving through my day. Then the littlest things will set me off. I'll admit it, I'm mad at God. I wonder if I've done something to offend Him. I hate being at church. I've wanted so many times to just get up and walk out of there. But I don't want my husband worrying about me. I think about the horrible little details of my IVF that make me cry. The horrible thing my mom said to me after we found out we miscarried with IVF. The stupid scripture I read the night before we did my embryo transfer, trying to seek comfort from God and all I got was a panic attack. Isaiah 54:1. You know, when you try to seek guidance from God, so you open your scriptures, and read the first scripture you come across. Yeah, that one Isaiah 54:1. That's what I read. I can't bring myself to read scriptures anymore because of reading that stupid scripture. And I wonder: can Satan use the scriptures to bring you further from God? Was it God or Satan trying to tell me something? Was God trying to tell me that I have to adopt? Or was Satan trying to tempt me get me further from God? Reading that didn't bring me any peace and sent me straight into a panic attack, but I knew then that our IVF wasn't going to work.

The stupidest thoughts will come to my mind. Seeing something on the news about little Ethan Stacey murder trial...thinking why did he go to that family and not to me. Then I think about adopting or taking in some foster children. I think about those children being abused. I think about those kids trying to stay together and not being broken apart by the system. But I think I'm not strong enough to take care of a child whose had so many issues. I went to a Adoption website for Foster Children the other day, just to look. I saw these pictures and a video clip of these two brothers. 10 and 12 years old. I shouldn't have done that because just thinking about it makes me cry. I cry because I want a baby. My own baby. Then I cry because I know those little boys are wanting the same thing I want...a Family. But I know I'm an emotional wreck right now, and doing anything rash like adopting foster kids will not solve the problem.

My mom and my aunt Linda came to stay with me this weekend. My other aunt LaVonne and her husband, who live here in Ogden, returned from their mission. My grandmother and aunt Charyl stayed with LaVonne. We had dinner Sunday night at my aunt LaVonne's house. There I was again, surrounded by family, all bragging about their children. Being asked by extended relatives if I had any children again. Awkwardly, in the same room with my aunt Linda announcing that my cousin is pregnant with her second child. My mom and aunt Charyl joined in on the pregnancy talk, reminiscing their own pregnancies and bragging about how early they felt their babies inside them. I wanted to scream inside. All I could think about was how lucky they were because all I ever felt were my two babies dead inside me. All I could do was to watch my aunt LaVonne, who couldn't join in on the pregnancy conversation, just stare down and play her dulcimer and try and draw strength from her. She and my uncle Evan couldn't have children of their own and had adopted two children. She was the only one in the room who would understand me. Looking back at that conversation, I wish I had the nerve to speak up and say "Lets change the subject, there are two people in this room where this conversation is hurtful to listen to." I wonder how many of those uncomfortable conversations she had to sit silently through with having four sisters. But like my aunt, I sat silently too. My uncle John, (married to Charyl, who I believe doesn't know about my infertility struggles) made a comment saying "Oh, I 'm not worried that Ra'Chelle will have any trouble getting pregnant." But I didn't feel like giving him the 3 and 1/2 year infertility/miscarraige history story. Then my abrasive grandmother had the nerve to ask me if I was still affected by my failed IVF and had gotten over it yet. I was so upset at her. She is SO tackless!!! Really Grandma? (Because something like this will change your whole perspective of life and how you look at the world. I will never get over this. It's changed me forever. Imagine never having children. What and who are you now?) It was like the whole night I was bombarded.

The only positive experience I had this weekend was when I took my mom and aunt Linda to this place called Rainbow Gardens. It's a gift shop kind of place, with lots of holiday decor. What caught my attention was this little pink Christmas tree, set up in the window as a display, with beautiful white beaded-sequenced bird ornaments. It felt like I had seen that display before, but it's been years since I've been to Rainbow Gardens. It was almost like my little angel Ava, who is in heaven right now, was trying to tell me that she was waiting for me. It's moments like those that help me to have hope. But I don't know if it's really her or just me wanting to believe.

Okay, so here we go again...it's Fall

Okay, so here we go again... it's Fall...Holiday Season officially starts now. As much as I love the holidays, I also kind of hate them too, for mocking me. With Halloween just around the corner, also lurks the two year "anniversary" of finding out about my first miscarriage. Yes, I went in for my first ultrasound on Halloween 2008, (a.k.a. "Day of the Dead"-ironic?) and found out we lost our baby at 6 weeks when we were suppose to be 10 weeks. I braved through that day, opening the door for small children, handing out candy. Now I get to be bombarded by little cute kids in their costumes at my door with proud parents in the background saying "Trick or Treat" again. Yet another reminder of what I would be doing this year: I would have had a little youngster about a year and a half old, toting them around with me in their Halloween costume. Ugh! I know I don't have to hand out candy, but a part of me still loves Halloween enough to do it. I'm crazy. And then of course there's Christmas: The Miracle that Jesus was born. Where's my miracle baby? Now I get to see a bunch of nativity scene's with "Baby" Jesus everywhere. If God can create Jesus without natural conception, which is mind boggling, can't He help a girl out? (I hope I'm not being too sac-religious) Christmas morning is always hard too because I think that I should have a child here, opening gifts, not my dogs. (who are my child surrogates) If you think about it, holiday's are really just for children, and for adults to have a reason to get out of work and be with "Family." (Another word that bugs me because I can't have one.) But for some reason, I still find myself decorating my home for the holidays...why?

And with it being the fall season, typically I plant my tulip bulbs around this time of year. But this year I declare that I'm boycotting tulips!!! Why you might ask? Well, when I was prego with my first miscarriage, I planted tulips out in my yard, dreaming about my due date which was in May. I remember thinking to myself that "by the time these early spring bulbs blossom, I will have a baby bump that would resemble the shape of a tulip. And when my late spring bulbs blossom, I will be bringing my baby home." I imagined myself walking to my front door, walking past those tulips, with my baby in my arms. The other reason why I hate tulips is because they remind me of this past May when we did IVF. And the day that we found out about our second miscarriage, was the day that my last tulip died. Symbolic? I guess the tulip represented hope towards the future for me. Knowing that I had something to look forward to to help get me through the winter. Now I have little hope for the future. It also represent's a prego belly. I hate prego bellies! It's shaped like an egg...my eggs are soggy! What else...oh yeah, if there's a late spring storm with lots of wind and hail, it ruins them. Waste of money! I hope there's a late spring storm this upcoming year, and it will destroy everyone else's tulips so I don't have to look at them! Am I being a little dramatic?

I know, my blog is a little pessimistic today. I guess I'm just a little perturbed about a comment that was made to me yesterday by a patient. We were sharing about our hellish nights that we had: His was that his window well was leaking water into his basement from the storm we had and mine was that we were woken up by the sound of our fire alarms blaring loudly at 2 am from dead batteries...(oops! forgot to change those.) I admit, I'd rather be woken up by false alarm than having a flood in my basement, but his comment to me was "Did your fire alarm wake up your kids?" Did you catch that...kids with an "s"...plural...meaning that he not only assumed that I was a parent, but that I would be so lucky like everyone else and have more than one child at my age. What the hell? And then I was approached by another patient yesterday about that stupid question...."So...do you have any kids?!" And I know I shouldn't have watched that episode of Guiliana and Bill on Style network last night either about them finding out about their miscarriage with IVF. That just brought back a bunch of bad memories...anyways. I guess I just needed to rant tonight and blow off some steam. So there you have it.

If You're Not a Mommy, Then What Are You? Addition Type 6 & 7

So after I posted my last blog to facebook, I got a comment from one of my friends. I had to publish this to my blog. This is an addition to my last blog "If you're not a mommy, then what are you." And I can't believe I didn't think of Jennie's type 7: the Smug Mom! I run into the Smug Mom all the time!

Jennie Teel Wolter: I'd like to add Type 6 and Type 7:

Type 6 is the Overly Anxious person. This person just adds to your stress by constantly asking how you're doing, what your doctor said, if you're ovulating, and if you feel pregnant this month. They think they're being supportive but you just wish you never told them you were trying to get pregnant. Type 6 was my second least favorite after the Know it All.

Type 7 is the Smug Mom. This person says things like "Wow, I got pregnant on my first try." Or, "I can't imagine, whenever my hubby looks at me I get pregnant, hahaha!" Laugh all you want smart-ass, you're not funny and there's a special little place in hell for you. I had a Type 7 as a nurse when Ted and I were visiting fertility doctors. I'm literally getting prepared for an ultrasound and she says to me, "So, you're having trouble getting pregnant? Yeah, I had all of my five kids on the first try. I couldn't not get pregnant". I switched doctors.

October 13 at 4:46pm · · 2 people

"If you're not a mommy, than what are you?"

You know, I feel like the instant I was born, I was trained to become a mother. It's like they immediately through a doll into your arms and tell you that your whole purpose in life is to become a mother. I even planned my life around becoming a mom with my education and career choice. You go to an LDS church and that's all you hear about growing up; is about your divine role to become a mother. You do what you're told, wait till marriage to have sex so you don't get pregnant, and then when you get married and want to get pregnant, you can't. It's not fair! The LDS church is SO overly family oriented. (Not that that's a bad thing.) But when you don't have kids of your own, or still single for that matter, you sort of feel like an outcast. At least most bible stories about women are those like Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah, who also, like me, struggled with infertility. I like to think that because I struggle with infertility, that one day I will also have and important child like Issac, Joseph, or Samuel. A kid who becomes a world leader or a Prophet. Haha...I can only wish. I can relate with Rachel, seeing other women pregnant. Genisis Chapter 30 vs. 1 "And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die." I've been through sorrow and tears like Hannah. 1 Samuel Chapter 1 vs. 6 and 10 "And her adversity also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord shut up her womb. And she was bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord, and wept sore." What's funny is that society is still SO ignorant today about infertility as they were in biblical times. Why haven't we gotten further with Infertility Awareness out in the public yet? We as women are made to feel as though we have no purpose without children. People look at you differently if you don't have children. And for those woman who chose not to have children, society has to question why. "What's wrong with her?" Like it's a bad thing that she doesn't want to have children. People are so judgmental...I'll get to that in a minute.

Speaking of being trained to be a mom: I grew up with a mom who ran a "second generation daycare" out of our home. My mom chose this career because that's what my grandmother did and she could still be home with her kids. My mom's motherly talents wore off on me as I honed my own skills; babysitting other families kids and working for her daycare throughout high school. Though I became just as good as my mom is with kids, I was determined not to be the third generation daycare provider. And thank goodness for that, I would have hated my life caring for other people's children, meanwhile not being able to have my own. But back then as a teenager, I had other plans. I didn't want to become a daycare provider because I didn't want my house smelling like dirty diapers forever. I also didn't want my child to have to worry about accidentally leaving a small item like a pencil from homework in my room, have some daycare kid choke on it, and then threaten my license for daycare. I became a neat freak because of that. But like my mom, I also planned my career choice around becoming a mom, because I knew how important it would be for me to spend time with my children and have flexibility with my job. Becoming a dental hygienist offered me that flexibility. Even if I eventually decided to only work part time or even one day a week, I could have that option. I knew it was important for me to finish my education, heaven forbid anything like unemployment, sickness, or injury befell my husband. (haha) I didn't want to be one of those LDS girls who got married at 19 and got pregnant right away. To be honest, that scared the crap out of me. I know of some girls who did get married straight out of high school and got divorced later on, and three children later and no education...now what? I guess I just didn't want to be like my mom who never finished her education, got married young, and did daycare for a living. Don't get me wrong. I love that age group of 0-5 years of age. I just wouldn't want to deal with it for 30 something plus years. And my mom is EXCELLENT at what she does. I only wish she could live closer to help when I finally have kids.

So getting back to people being judgmental and/or ignorant. I came across a website on insensitive comments and infertility. Anyone going through infertility will come across some dumb idiot who wants to tell you what they think, without regard to your feelings. And the things that people will say are SO insensitive and they don't even realize it! I know most people mean well, but there are ways of saying things without being hurtful. I just want people to be aware of what they say to me and other's going through infertility. This website categorized four types of people and their comments: The Know-It-All, God's Messenger, The Miserable Parent, and The Blamer. I'd also like to add two more types of people of my own that I've come across with: The Joker and The Innocent Child.

Type One: The Know-It-All. This person thinks they have all the answers to your infertility problems. They will say things like: "It will happen." (Really? You actually know it will happen?) "You just need to relax." (Hello! I am relaxed; I don't have kids yet! I spend my time doing whatever I want...getting massages, going to the gym, spend my money on nice expensive clothing, travel on luxurious vacations. Trust me, I am more "relaxed" than you are!) They are the ones who will say things like: "Have you tried this/that?" (Yes, we've checked into everything and the Doctor's are still scratching their heads.) Type Two: God's Messenger. This person will say hurtful things like "Maybe having children isn't in God's plan for you." "Just Adopt." "If you adopt, then you'll get pregnant...I know a friend who...." You are selfish for wanting your own children. Their are foster kids out there who are abused and need homes." (Let me tell you something. Not everyone is cut out to handle foster children or has what it takes to be a foster parent...more power to those people who are able to do this. Adoption isn't right for just anyone either. I'm sure after struggling with infertility, and then having the mother change their mind about placing their child for adoption, after you've already taken that child home and bonded with them, and gotten everything else ready. Don't you think getting your hopes up for another adoption would be difficult and jaded?) Type Three: The Miserable Parent. They will say things like "Be careful what you wish for." "I'm so jealous of you with all your free time." (Yeah, you better be jealous of me like I am jealous of you. We always want what we can't have...and never appreciate what we do have. So you better appreciate your kids and treat them well! And yes, I do enjoy my free time, but with all that free time, it gets kind of lonely...I really do want a "mini-me.") Type Four: The Blamer. According to them, it's your own fault that you are having fertility issues. "You waited too long." "You need to gain/lose some weight." "Maybe you wouldn't have miscarried if you didn't drink caffeine that one day, or ate deli meat or sugar, or taken those hot showers." "Maybe if you did get pregnant, you would have a handicap child, because of bad genetics. You wouldn't want to take care of a handicap child for the rest of your life." (That one came from my own grandmother, believe it or not!) It's like they validate everything you've thought bad about yourself. I would like to add my own type now. Type Five: The Joker. These are some of the most hurtful comments anyone can make. They will say things out of feeling uncomfortable and are completely ignorant. They say things like: "You know you have to take your clothes off first, right?" "You know it goes in the hole, right?" "What's wrong with you? Can't your boy's swim?" I was listening to the radio one morning and heard a caller ask a guest fortune teller on the morning program about wether or not she would have children. This woman had struggled with infertility for four years. Thankfully the fortune teller said that she would get pregnant, but the radio talk show host were making fun of this poor woman saying comments like those mentioned above. I was disgusted and e-mailed that radio station...I still haven't heard anything back from them. Surprised? Then finally Type Six: The Innocent Child. They, like most kids are taught about mommies and daddies, and don't understand anything different. They say things like: "If you're not a mommy, than what are you?" (Yeah kid, I don't know what I am or who I am for that matter. Thanks for pointing that out. I simply don't fit in with everyone else.)

Obviously we don't need these kind of comments. What we need are comments like: "I'll be thinking of you." "If you want to talk about it, give me a call." "I'll be praying for you." And if you don't believe in God. "I'll be praying to the fertility gods for you." I know most people mean well. And I do appreciate people's concern, and ideas from people with their own experiences with infertility. I had a friend who told me once: "I won't tell you that it will happen, because that's what everyone always told me, and I hated it. The truth is that it might not happen, but hang in there." I really appreciated that from her. :)

Distracted

Luckily over the last month or so I have been distracted by wedding stuff. I am pleased to announce that my sister is now married! Wedding stuff is now officially over. :( Oh how I love weddings! And my sister's wedding was absolutely beautiful. I could do it all over again. Helping pick out wedding dresses, bride's maid dresses, flowers, cake....etc. I love it! I think this time, with it being my sister's wedding, I was able to enjoy helping her pick stuff. Where as with my own wedding I was a little more stressed. I kept telling my sister the best advice that was given to me: "Enjoy planning your wedding, even though you just want to hurry up and get married, you only get to plan your wedding once." (hopefully just once) Enjoy the ride.

I think that's the problem with life. We are always wanting to hurry to the next step or chapter in life that we don't slow down to enjoy what is going on right now. As a kid, I wanted to hurry up and be 16 so I could drive. When I was 16, I just wanted my independence so I could do what I want. When I was dating Marc, I just wanted to get married. Obviously now, I just want to hurry up to the next step and have a baby. Maybe with my struggle with infertility is trying to teach me patience to enjoy the moments before they pass me by. Maybe by the time I do have a child, I will be better at appreciating the moments of raising them, rather than trying to get them to hurry through their steps of growing up of "first steps, first words, first grade, graduation, married....grandkids."

Now that my sister is married, and my brother soon to follow next year, my worry is that they will start having kids before me. And that I will have to watch them move on with their lives with families, while Marc and I continue to struggle. It's already hard to see friends pregnant, ( I avoid them more because they are prego) I don't know how I will handle having my own siblings have babies. Not that I wish infertility on anyone. I'd hate to see my sisters go through the same thing I've gone through. But I don't want to avoid my sisters because they are prego.