Not sure where I fit in now: Pregnancy after Infertility

I know I haven't posted in a while, but for good reason. I haven't really had anything to contribute to my blog since it is about infertility. (Now that I've found myself on the other side of infertility.) Yes, our second IVF resulted in pregnancy! :) I've wanted to wait a while before posting anything new, because I didn't want to jinx it. We've made it to 12 weeks as of last Friday. Even though you would think we would be shouting for joy at this point, I feel like I can't really shout for joy until they are safely here. (Yes, "they" as in TWINS!) This pregnancy thing is a roller-coaster ride in itself. Especially after infertility, I am so paranoid.

What's funny is, that once you share with a few people that you are pregnant and have experienced infertility and miscarriages, they seem to want to tell you all their horror stories, or horror stories about other people they've know. (Like they can even relate.) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!! LA-LA-LA...I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Okay, part of me wants to know some things, like hearing stories from former infertiles like myself who can relate with me. But seriously, I told this one gal that I was having twins, and she was like: "Oh yeah, my best friend was pregnant with twins, but then she lost them. Now she's pregnant again." (Um...rude? I'm already freaking out. Thanks, but no thanks!) One week I heard two different people's stories about them losing one of their twins. :( Sad. The part of me that wants to know, is to know what to expect if something does go wrong. The other part of me that wants to know is the part where things have turned out okay...like a friend who experienced spotting/bleeding, but then everything was okay.

So hearing all these stories from people has also caused some nightmares. I've had two dreams about waking up in bed with massive bleeding, but then I really wake up and I'm fine. Another dream I had was last week. In my dream we just had the babies, and a nurse comes to the side of my hospital bed, and tells me that they did all they could do, but they couldn't get my baby to breath. Ugh! Marc, ironically had a dream that same night that I had miscarried with one of the babies. I've been told that those dreams only manifest the worries that we both have about our little ones and the pregnancy. And not to take them too seriously. But still....SCARY!

Another thing about pregnancy after infertility is that I don't know where I quit fit in. It's like I'm being ushered into the pregnancy and moma world, when I still feel like I'm infertile. I remember seeing a gal who was well into her pregnancy and still feeling those jealous feelings, even though I was pregnant too. It was like I had to take a double take, and remind myself I was pregnant too. I don't want to make my friends in my support group uncomfortable by being around them, especially when I start showing, but I still feel like I'm a one of them. And technically I am still one of them. It's not like I can just get pregnant when I want to like most people. Still after having these babies, I will still be infertile. It's not like baby number 3 will come easy for us either. (Remember, my eggs suck.) We'll have secondary infertility, but it still is a form of infertility. On the flip side, when friends who share the good parts about being pregnant, and funny stories, it's like all the sudden I'm included on these conversations, which normally I would exclude myself from hearing. It's different.

As far as everything has gone, I have had a lot of nausea and visit with "Ralph." I know this may sound funny, but I love throwing up. It's like my babies are saying "Hi" to me. It's the only thing that makes me feel like this is actually real. That I am actually pregnant. I've heard that vomiting is a good sign the pregnancy is healthy. But who knows, someone may have made that up to make us feel better. It's been nearly almost everyday since hitting the 7 week mark that I've had to run to the toilet to ralph. Sometimes up to 3 times a day. (I've heard that twins or multiples can exacerbate nausea in pregnancy.) Now that I've reached 12 weeks, the nausea has seemed to taper off. But I still get a little here and there. The bad thing is that it comes quickly without warning. Sometimes I'm not ready for it. And there I am holding my mouth trying to make it to the bathroom fast enough. Gross, I know. But I gotta love it!

Our first ultrasound was at 7 weeks with the fertility clinic, UCRM. I was really anxious and was having flashbacks of our first miscarriage where the doctor didn't find a heartbeat. But actually seeing the heartbeats and hearing the heartbeats was the coolest thing. Our second visit was with my regular OBGYN at 10 & 1/2 weeks, and what was even cooler than the heartbeats was to see them both moving on the ultrasound. I didn't expect to see them move that early! I did have some light spotting a couple days after my 10 week appointment, so my doctor had me come it. Turns out that the bleeding was probably left over blood from the implantation. It did give us a scare, but a relief to see that everything was okay and see them again on the ultrasound. My next visit will be Dec 9th. And hopefully everything will be okay. I'm still so nervous about going to those appointments.

Adoption Fears

I have wanted to blog about the topic of "adoption fears" for some time. And although our circumstances have changed a bit, adoption is still a possible reality for us. So I thought I would go ahead and post this.

Many times when I've shared with others about my experience with infertility, one of the most common thing that comes up is adoption. "Why don't you just adopt?" or "What's wrong with adoption?" I want to be clear here, that I am not against adoption. I think adoption can be a blessing to many couples. It's just when I'm asked about it, I never know quit how to respond. All I know is that we are not ready to move that direction yet. We may in the future. Why I'm not ready yet? Well it's hard to say or explain to people the emotions involved with making this important decision. (Especially when they don't or will never fully understand.) I also feel like adoption has gotten a bad wrap by the media. I remember watching a Dateline episode of an adoptive couple, that was murdered, and it turned out to be their adopted son was the killer. Or a recent show on ABC, Once Upon a Time: The adoptive mother was portrayed as the "evil queen." This kind of media portrayal of adoption doesn't help either adoptive couples or birthmothers. It instills more fear. But even without the influence of media, fears about adoption are completely normal. The problem is that no one ever talks about them. Just like infertility is taboo to talk about, so is talking about adoption fears. To be perfectly honest, what is holding me back from adoption is my "adoption fears." So to help myself feel not so alone in this, and to help others understand my fears, I decided to make a little project out of this. I googled "adoption fears." I copied and pasted certain parts I felt were representative of my fears. (Though some "fears", I will agree are a little absurd; keep in mind I did not come up with these lists myself.) So here's what I came up with:

fear:–noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.

4. reverential awe, esp. toward god.

5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

COMMON FEARS OF ADOPTION:

1. FINANCIAL FEARS is this going to be affordable?

2. DECISION MAKING FEARS about adoption routing. How to we spend our money wisely and choose the right professionals for us? What about

using the internet? Advertising? Mass mailings?

3. LOSS OF CONTROL FEARS:

a. Fear a child will not become available to you.

b. Fear of openness/open adoption

c. Fear the biological parents will change their

minds and take the child back.

d. Fear the process will take too long.

e. Fear you will be too old to parent or be

chosen.

1. Fear of pressure to take "any" child.

4. DEFECTIVE CHILD FEARS:

a. Fear the birth mother will not take good care

of herself during pregnancy using drugs, alcohol,

or poor nutrition... also smoking.

b. Fear about the genetic background as being

inferior to your own.

c. Fear the child could be emotionally disturbed.

5. BONDING ATTACHMENT FEARS:

a. Fear you won't bond to the child

b. Fear you'll have doubts this is "as good as"

c. Fear you will later conceive- and should have

waited.

d. Fear your adoptive child may later choose

birth parents over you.

e. Fear the biological parents may seek contact

and disrupt your bond with the child.

f. Fear you won't love this child as much as one

produced biologically.

6. FAMILY/FRIENDS FEARS:

a. Fear your family won't accept an adopted

child, especially if racially different.

b. Fear you will be stigmatized and others will

doubt your "real" attachment and parent role.

Fears stem from the pain of LOSS or possible LOSS.

Steps to healing and repairing: It is important not to be "victimized" by losses in life. Life always has "speed bumps" and "detours." Action steps include:

Grieving, Grieving, Grieving

Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge is power

Preparation, Preparation, Preparation

Support Groups, Therapy when needed, Rituals

Credits: Ellen Roseman

ADOPTION FEARS/ LOVE BUILDS FAMILIES:

• I couldn’t love another mother’s child the way I love my own.
• If I have an open adoption, the birth parents and grandparents will know where we live and will have more reason to return to take their child back in the later years.
• If I have an open adoption, the birth parents may feel like they have the right to discipline my child.
• If I admit my weaknesses as a parent and as a spouse, an expectant mother will think less of me and will never choose me as an adoptive parent.
• Being overweight makes me less appealing as an adoptive parent.
• One day my (adopted) child will tell me that she wants to live with her birth parents and she wishes she’d never been adopted.
• The birth father will contest the adoption.
• The birth mother will change her mind at placement and choose to parent.
• The birth grandparents will convince the birth parents to not place for adoption.
• My family/my husband’s family will treat our child different because he was adopted.
• I won’t feel a mother-child connection.
• An open adoption means that a birth mother can come by the house unannounced any time to see her child and expect to be given certain rights; we’d have no privacy; she’d want to live with us.
• A closed adoption means my child will have severe psychological issues of not knowing who he is or where he came from and be bitter because he didn’t know.
• An open adoption is giving my identity away to strangers whom I do not know or trust.
• No one will ever choose us because there’s something wrong with us (our child is too old, we have a biological child, we’ve been waiting too long).
• Our pass-through expenses (extra expenses we agree to pay if the birth mother needs it) will simply be too expensive.
• The age gap will be too large between kids
• Getting to know birth mothers and expectant mothers means I’m trying to be coercive and make myself look good.
• Being an adoptive parent means I’m a baby snatcher.
• Being an adoptive parent means I think I’m entitled to another mother’s child.
• We will never adopt.
• The birth parents will live too far away for an open adoption.
• The birth parents will live too close and the adoption will be too open.
• Using an adoption agency means that I’m trying to buy a baby, and the caseworkers are coercive and try to lure expectant mothers in.
• All adoptees are bitter.
• All birth mothers eventually become bitter.
• If I take a gift to an expectant mother when I first meet her, it will look like I’m bribing her. If I don’t take a gift, it will seem like I don’t care.
• I won’t know how to be myself around a birth mother.
• Being myself will turn an expectant mother “off.”
• Networking on the internet will surely lead me to scams.
• Advocating for adoption will mean that all the adoption “meanies” will attack my blog and my family.

AND ADOPTION FEARS FOR BIRTHMOTHERS:

1. Fear of "not knowing"

Women will express the fear of "not knowing" where their child is. This fear is often perpetuated by movies and dramatic stories of children ripped away from their mothers never to be seen again.

The terms of adoption are drawn up by you and the adoptive parents you have chosen for your child. These terms will give you as much or as little contact with your child as you both agree upon. Knowing where your child is will depend upon how open or closed you want your adoption to be.

Placing your child does mean that after finalizing the adoption, you cannot, by law, turn around and demand your child back. It does not mean, however, that you will never have contact again.

Reading the real-life stories of women who have actually placed their children in modern-day open adoption agreements will alleviate, to a great extent, this fear.

To read these stories, click here.

2. Fear of Child Abuse

Consider that children living with their own biological parents have not had them screened for suitability. Most couples who have their own children will never go through the grueling quality controls and screening that couples seeking adoption will have to go through. Nor will they pay the huge legal fees that adoptive parents will have to come up with. Adoptive parents cover the entire cost of the adoption process, even if the birthmother changes her mind at the end of the process and decides to keep her baby.

The demand for newborn babies and the risk of legal liability is so great in Canada today, that fear of abuse doesn't need to be a concern in your decision to adopt.

3. Fear of Rejection

Many women fear that their child will be angry at them for "giving them up" to adoption. Today, however, birth mothers have the opportunity to explain their decisions to their child, either in a letter or in person.

When given detailed reasons why adoption was chosen, a child can come to an understanding that all parties involved in the process acted out of love and the desire for the child's happiness.

This kind of openness and dialogue is extremely important in the child's development and often leaves them with a profound sense of being loved.

Testimonials from adopted children show not only their depth of understanding about why they were placed for adoption, but they demonstrate an immense gratitude for the sacrifice that their birthmother made on their behalf.

To read some of these testimonials click here.

4. Fear of Unbearable Loss

Many women express the fear of suffering unbearable pain and loss after the long nine-month journey with their child. One cannot deny the fact that there will be pain and that the mother will grieve for the loss of her child. But there is loss with parenting and abortion as well.

A young mother who chooses to parent will also suffer loss. She will lose her ability to live without the responsibilities of parenthood. There are many sacrifices that a single mother will have to make, including financial sacrifices. She may lose the friends who do not have parenting responsibilities, and who can live a more carefree existence than herself. She may suffer the inability to spend her money and her time as she chooses. There are many losses and joys to consider with parenting a child.

Abortion also brings about a deep sense of loss, that is often unanticipated by the birth mother. Many women suffer for years following an abortion. They may suffer from feelings of guilt, anxiety, anniversary grief, reoccurring thoughts of their child, or of the abortion procedure itself. Many women feel a deep sadness that their child is not alive and wonder what the child might have grown up to become.

So with each choice comes a closing of the door to other possibilities. Again, reading the stories of birth mothers who have placed for adoption might help to alleviate the concern about pain and loss.

Experience shows that women who have made a carefully thought out decision to adopt, who have acted for the right reasons and who have received good counseling will not regret their decisions. In fact, in cases involving successful adoptions, many women see their situations as incredibly enlightening and are extremely grateful and humbled by the experience of having made such a difference to so many lives.

Check out the stories from these women yourself.

5. Fear of Painful Pregnancy

Many women fear having to go through nine months of pregnancy. How will the pregnancy change their bodies? Will they gain weight that they will be unable to shed? Will they have stretch marks or other medical problems resulting from birth and delivery?

And then there is the gossip factor that can be paralyzing. What will people say when they find out about the pregnancy? These fears are a reality, but they can be worked through with the help of a skilled counselor and with peer support from other women in a similar situation.

It is true that pregnancy will affect the woman's body. It is true that people might whisper and talk about an unplanned pregnancy, especially if the woman is still in high school.

This is where good counseling becomes crucial. Finding a pregnancy care center with programs and an active support group is essential. Counselors can help a young woman through all of the stages of the adoption process and give her the tools she needs to deal with the possibility of gossip and the fear of pregnancy and birth.

Bad Timing

Of all the times to get an eye inflammation, of course it had to be the time during my "2 week wait." UGH!!!! Really?! So I have a weird eye inflammatory disorder called iritis. It flairs up on me every once in a while. It's been 4 years since I had this last (of course right before Marc and I went on a cruise.) This stupid eye thing keeps coming up during the worst time. And I can't wear my contact lens!! I HATE wearing glasses!!!! It causes redness and irritation to sunlight, entering from a dark room to a light room causes pain, pain/pressure behind my eye. The eye drop meds. for it makes my vision blurry in which ever eye is affected, but it beats getting permanent vision loss, or damage. Maybe it's been a blessing in disguise, because I've been focusing on my eye pain more than this IVF 2 week wait period. But it's also got me paranoid. "Are the eye drop meds. okay to take if I'm prego?" The doctor said there are no studies on it. "Maybe my iritis is a bad sign, like since I have inflammation, maybe my immune system is on alert and it's going to kill off my embryos." I'm frantically googling "iritis and infertility." Or I thought on a positive note: "my sister-inlaw was unable to wear her contacts during pregnancy because they irritated her eyes...maybe I'm pregnant? " The eye doctor wants to do a work up on my to try and find the cause of this iritis. But until then I'm wearing my glasses and no eye make up since I'm doing eye drop meds on the hour/every hour.

And to add to the stress of this, the day this flared up on me, my doggies also tried running away twice! I had a little bit of a breakdown Wednesday night after the second time they ran away. My poor husband was trying to track them down, while on the phone with the eye doctor, and dealing with my mental breakdown. It hurt even to look at the light glaring from my cell phone, so he also helped me call/text people at work and help find a replacement for me so I could go to the eye doctor. I originally had an appointment for today, Friday, but I couldn't wait that long. Iritis is serious and I could loose my eye sight. So I'm glad I went in to the doctors sooner. I was trying to hold off long enough so I didn't have to miss any more work. But I heard that yesterday, the day I was gone for my appointment was a hard day at work. So I'm kind of glad I missed it.

On another frustrating note: I've had some spotting today. Now I'm thinking, great! IVF didn't work. I'm probably trying to start my period. My one sister-inlaw, whose been through this infertility/ IVF as well, reassured me that it's probably okay. My other sister-inlaw bleed really bad the first month with my niece, she didn't even realize she was prego until a month later because she thought she had a period. My spotting did subside. I did buy a preggy test today at the grocery store, I was wanting to wait till Sunday to take it, but I'm half tempted to take it now. I know last time with IVF, I was prego, and the preggy test did indicate pregnant, but it took a long time to show up, so I knew last time something was wrong. My HCG level after the blood work came back at 20, which it needs to be at least 100 to be considered a viable pregnancy. So I know if I take a pregnancy test now, it might not mean anything. Plus I've got all these hormones in me that the nurses said could through off a home pregnancy test. So I really won't know for sure until monday, anyway.

Trying to be Thankful.

Here I am, day 5 post embryo transfer. I'm still doing okay, despite the sad news that our 4th embryo did not make it to a blastocycst. So we will be unable to preserve any embryos from this cycle yet again. The embryologist whom I talked to reassured me that they did transfer the best embryos, and that this embryo not making it has no reflection on how the other three embryos will do. It was enough to make me a little upset. I cried for a little bit, because this is likely the last time we will do IVF, and we won't have another shot at it.

It's hard not to get a little discouraged. I've also been getting some cramping as of yesterday and today. Although the doctors did say a little cramping or spotting post embryo transfer is normal and could occur over the next couple of weeks. My mind is still racing as to what this cramping is. Is it due to implantation? Or is my body trying to reject the embryos? Sorry for the TMI, but my nips are still a little sore, so that's a good sign I'm thinking. Or is it because of the hormones? It is so hard not to be paranoid and read into these symptoms. Imagine what 9 months of pregnancy is going to be like for me? (If I get lucky) Or anyone facing pregnancy after infertility, for that matter.

I am trying to be grateful that we at least have had the opportunity to do IVF twice. I know there are infertile couples who can not afford to do this. I read of a woman in People magazine who lived in poverty and suffered from infertility. She also suffered from several miscarriages, which ultimately led her to go crazy. Fertility treatments were too expensive for her, and adoption was even more expensive. Sadly she kidnaped a baby girl from a couple in fear that she would never have a child of her own. She did have a son of her own later on. Her kidnaped daughter eventually figured it out that she had been kidnaped as an infant, around the age of 18 I think. And since then, the woman has been sent to prison. Although what this woman did was a terrible, horrible, horrible thing, and rightfully was punished. I can't help but feel sorry for her. I know exactly what she was going through and there was no help for her. She probably felt so alone.

I'm thankful for the financial help we received from family members to help us with our first IVF. And while my husband was out of work. We've been blessed in so many ways. I'm glad we were able to do IVF again on our own, without needing help this time. I know if it doesn't work out, we could always adopt some time in the future. (Though it may take some time for me to get to the point where I want to adopt.) I'm thankful certain things have lined up for us to do IVF again. One in particular is that I am finally feeling well again. I don't feel depressed. It took me a LONG time to feel well enough to be able to handle doing IVF again. To have the strength to face this, despite having two miscarriages. And although I will be sad and grieve if this does not work out for us, I don't want to go down that black hole I was in again. I want to move forward with our life together.

Embryo Transfer

Our embryo transfer was yesterday. I had a mix of emotions of both excitement, nerves, and calmness. During the morning while I was getting ready, the words of Celine Dion's song: "New Day" came to me while I was in the shower. This song she wrote about her first son, through which she received via IVF. Then I thought about how she did IVF 7 times to get her recent twins...Ugh, I don't think I would have that kind of strength. (or money) The words "waiting for a miracle to come" was what stuck me the most and I started to get a little teary eyed. But then I was like: No. I'm not going to do this. So instead I thought of Adam Lavine/ Christina Agulara's song: "Like Jagger." Now that song just makes me want to DANCE! Thankfully changed my mood quickly. :)

On the drive down to my appointment there was a red Hummer that switched lanes in front of us with a tire cover that read "Think Positive" So that has been my mantra. Not only literally thinking positive, but also "Positive" as in pregnancy test.

The actual procedure was pretty easy. Easier than a pap smear. We saw our embryos or "babies", as our doctor called them, on a TV screen. I love how the doctor referred to them as our babies. Very sweet. Which is SO cool to see them magnified on a TV srceen, by the way. And then we saw the embryologist suck them into a tiny pipet via the TV. He handed them over to the doctor, and before we knew it, we were done. I didn't even feel anything. They gave me some Valium and I was pretty much out of it for the rest of the day. Marc and I stopped at In-and Out Burger on our way home to eat lunch, but I don't remember much after calling my mom and texting a few people. I was out of it until 7pm. I almost forgot, I do remember soon after I got into the car to go home that 80's classic song came on the radio, Real Life's "Send me an Angel". I thought how appropriate for our situation. Marc made me dinner and we watched War of the Roses.

Today, day #2 of bed rest I've just been taking it easy. I have to admit, it has been pretty nice. I've been in a good mood so far, but I'm starting to get a little board. I've been in bed mostly. Slept in till 9am, watched a little of the Today Show and Price is Right. (PLINKO!!!!) Listening to music with a little facebook, and viewing pictures of our recent vacations...Oh St. Thomas how I miss you. Watched The Devil Wears Prada. And hung out with the doggies outside on the lawn chair. It's such a nice day outside. Anyway, now I'm back in bed again, here blogging...since I'm board. :) I'll probably call Marc and my Mom and bug them a little. :)

IVF Egg Retrieval

IVF Egg retrieval was this morning. The doctors only retrieved 9 eggs. We need at least 6 of those eggs to be good enough to fertilize. We will hear back from the embryologist on Sunday to give us an update, and hopefully we will schedule our embryo transfer for Monday or Wednesday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my prayers said. I'm a little sore and I'm walking around holding my tummy...I'm a wimp. But over all I'm doing fine. My doggy Isabelle has been laying on my tummy and her warm body feels good on my sore tummy. Marc took me out to a late breakfast after my surgery. It was this cute little place called "Eggs in the City." Quit fitting for our situation. Our eggs are literally in the city (SLC) right now. Hopefully becoming our babies. I am planning on attending the temple tomorrow. We will just wait and see.

Finding a Balance

My last ultrasound appointment went okay today. I'm a little discouraged because my left ovary is not cooperating. My doctor has been trying to find a fine balance between stimulating the left ovary, without overstimulating my right ovary. After today, it sounds like my left ovary follicles are not going to be good enough to fertilize. We won't know for sure until the day of the egg retrieval, which will be Friday morning. We not only need a miracle to get pregnant, but we need a second miracle to get my left ovary follicles to grow large enough.

There was some discussion regarding whether or not we will retrieve enough eggs. If we don't retrieve enough eggs, (at least 6 good eggs), we might consider doing Artificial Insemination instead. If this is the case, I don't know what to do. We could continue with doing this IVF cycle, but knowing that our odds are very low to even get a viable embryo. Everything until now has been fairly easy. After my appointment, I did a little retail therapy at the Gateway and spent way too much. All I know is that I'm doing everything I can do. Marc gets to stab me in my upper butt tonight with "Big Bertha" needle tonight with the HCG shot. Tomorrow night I get a break from injections. (Yeah!) And Friday morning will be the big day of the egg retrieval and hopefully the embryologist will be making our baby(ies). We will have more answers then.

I can't help but beat myself up for waiting too long to start trying to have a baby. I wish I would have listened to my mom, and not taken advice from other couples to wait to conceive. I wish I wouldn't have waited so long after our first failed IVF to do a second IVF cycle. My eggs really are soggy. :( I'm only 31, but it feels like my eggs are like I'm 41. Left ovary, PLEASE COOPERATE!!! You only have 36 hours to grow those follicles!!!