A Glimpse into Our Future.

Today was a day I would like to label as "A Glimpse into Our Future." We met with our new doctor at the University of Utah for an IVF #2 consultation. He is the head of the reproductive endocrinology department at the University. Just by luck, we were able to get into seeing him, since our other doctor no longer works on fridays at that clinic. I felt more at ease this time. Maybe because I know exactly what we're getting ourselves into this time. We aren't traveling through uncharted territory, so to speak. Been there, done that. Let's do it again, for kicks and giggle's. Literally, "baby kicks" in the belly, and laughter and "giggles" of a child or two. :)

He is recommending trying some new medications, and possibly upping my dose of meds. from our last IVF cycle. Also, he is recommending transferring three embryos this time. Which we totally agree with if we are lucky enough to get three, since my follicle count is low. Even so, with transferring three, the chances of getting pregnant only go up 5% more than if we were to transfer two. And the possibility of actually having triplets or more is still low, so we feel like it's a risk worth to take. So now we look forward to starting our second IVF cycle soon.

Funny thing: when discussing with the doctor, he talked about how recent studies are showing that stress can effect the success rates of IVF. (No duh!!!) As previously thought a year ago that stress had no impact on having a successful outcome with IVF. Looking back a year ago, we were full of stress during our first IVF attempt. Fast forward to present, and I would say we are in a good place, happy, and living without that same stress load. Let's be realistic for a moment, I'm not saying that just because I'm less stressed means that this IVF will work, but it does up our chances. The doctor then proceeded to say that I should do things to help reduce the stress while we go through our second cycle. He said "some people like to meditate (check), yoga (check) , read scriptures more (could work on that one)....you know, like don't go and build a house or anything during your IVF cycle." My husband and I both looked at each other and laughed. Funny, being that we are thinking about building a home. We've already met with an architect. We haven't moved forward with anything yet, but we are still in the dream stage of things. I don't think we will proceed forward with the house, until we know the outcome of our IVF cycle. But it does give me something to look forward to afterwards, and keep my mind off of my infertility/and or pregnancy. Especially if we don't get prego. But the doctor did say that the dream stage is good. We had a good laugh.

So on our way home from our consultation appointment, we accidentally missed our exit off the freeway, as we were goofing off, singing in the car. Marc can really rock a song, by the way. We figured while we were headed that direction anyway, we would stop by and look at this model home we are basing our floor plan design around. We're tweaking a few things with our architect. Anyway, the last time we had looked at the home, it was in the framing stages. Now it is complete. Of course it was beautiful, and just as I had imagined walking through it the first time with the rough framing. I could easily picture us in that home. It does get me excited to move to that new stage in our lives together. Wouldn't it be great if we got pregnant, and built this dream home of ours? Ahhh, dreams and wishes. If only they can come true like they seem to do for other people. All those disney princes stories we were told as a child of happily-ever-after. But it is good to have hope and something to look forward to. I don't expect everything to work out like we wish for. I'm trying to be realistic. But it's nice to live this fantasy world in my head for awhile. To have a glimpse of hope for our future, where hope did not exist before.

50 Months of Trying, Ugh! (I'm tired of dealing with this.)

In yoga today, I was in a deep meditation. I'm seated with my legs crossed (indian style) in front of me with my palms pressed, centered to my chest. We were in a breathing/meditation exercise and were instructed to breath deeply in and out. As we took a breath in, we were guided to bring our arms up and out above our head. And on the exhalation, bring our palms back to heart center. We were to repeat this several times. This is what I was visualizing and meditating upon:

As I breathed in and stretched my arms toward the heavens, I imagined reaching into heaven for my child. My baby. And as I exhaled and brought my arms back in towards my chest, I imagined bringing that baby down to this realm, on earth, to be with me, in my arms. On the next breath in I imagined something completely different. As I reached my arms back up towards the heavens, I imagined my infertility, in the shape of millions of butterflies, escaping my body and sending them out and away from me, and as I exhaled back, with my palms to my heart. I felt peace.

What struck me differently about this meditation is that I've (of course) always meditated about pregnancy and a baby during yoga, but I never before meditated about my infertility. It was like I was saying goodbye to my infertility for a moment and it felt so good. Like I didn't care about it anymore. My infertility wasn't controlling me.

I do have to say that these last couple of months, I have been feeling better. But I think it's the result of a few things. One, obviously, I'm on some "happy pills". But two. I've made the decision to rule out living childfree. Living my life without children just isn't for me. I've got too much "motherly talent" in me that it would be a waste if I didn't have children. In fact, even my name Ra'Chelle stems from the Hebrew name Rachel which literally means "motherly" (if you were to look it up in a baby name book.) I think that decision alone has helped me come to terms with Plan B: Adoption. If I can't have biological children of my own, then of course I would adopt. I'd adopt tomorrow if I could. I think what is holding me back from adoption at this point is that we have unexplained infertility. It would help if the doctors had an answer for us as to why it's difficult to get prego/ and maintain a pregnancy. But since I've been pregers twice, I have reason for hope. Having unexplained infertility is not allowing me to have closure and move on to Plan B. But I think I'm getting so tired of my infertility, that I'm getting closer to moving towards Plan B.

We did meet with an adoption agency last week, just to get information, so obviously I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I can't say that I was inspired to move towards that direction yet, but it did get me thinking....We could always sign up with the adoption agency, and if for some reason, we got called because a birth mother was interested in us as a potential couple to place her child, we could always make the decision to say yes or no. If we weren't ready, we could pass on the opportunity, till it was right for us. But I was a little intimidated by the fact that some couples have been waiting almost up to 4-5 years in some cases. And I don't like how writing up an adoption profile seems like you are having to compete with other couples. It seems to me like these adoption profiles are like "Christmas brag letters." (Look at us! We're a fun couple! Choose our family! Look at all these fun pictures of us!) If it were up to me, I'd have each couple fill out a standard personality questionnaire/ likes and dislikes/ interests... so the birthmother gets an idea of what these people are like, and have pictures to see what they look like. That way it would be less biased. And if I were a birth mother choosing a family, I'd look for a couple that looked most like me and the birth father of the baby or go by a strong feeling that that's couple the baby needs to be with...but that's just what I would do. But whatever...I'm not in those shoes. And I'd rather be in my shoes than hers....That has got to be one of the hardest things to do. But I won't let my mind go there.

Anyway, so Plan A: IVF again! Yes I've made the decision to to it again!!! I did it. I made the appointment for the consultation. July 22nd! It's with a different Doctor this time, so we will see. I guess all I can say is that if if doesn't work, at least I gave it my all, and I will know that I at least tried. It's better to regret something you did do than to regret doing something you didn't do. So I'd rather regret spending the money on this expensive procedure and know that I tried, then not doing it at all. I know it sounds like I don't expect the IVF to work, but it's hard to get my hopes up. Either way, I've come to the conclusion that I will become a mom. Whether it is through IFV biologically, or through adoption.

I've just come to the point, like I've said earlier, that I'm tired of dealing with the infertility. I'm ready to move on. Move to that next phase of my life. Our life together as a family. What's funny is that I've added up in my head how many times we have "tried" unsuccessfully. If you think about it, we've been trying to get pregnant for a little over 4 years now. We started trying in April of 2007...so add that up in your head: 4 years, that's 48 months plus May and June equals 50 months we've been trying to get pregnant! Ah!!! That seems crazy! Theres got to be some point where I'm going to have to realize I may not get an answer why we have difficulty getting pregnant. I may have to accept that "unexplained infertility" is our diagnosis. I might have to accept that we may not get an answer. That scares me. But in order for me to move on to Plan B, I may have to come to terms with that. All I know is that I'm done dealing with infertility. It's escaping me slowly, like a weight is being lifted as these "infertility butterflies" are flying away from my body. (Please Pray for us.)

Going back and forth...stuck somewhere in the middle.

So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Not in a hurry to move forward with making any decisions regarding our infertility, but definitely out of the funk from the past, and not looking back. And feeling a little better thanks to some new "happy pills." I would say that being somewhere in the middle is like taking a step upwards out of my depression. But being in the middle means I'm going back in forth in my head in regards to a lot of things. Do we do IVF again? Am I ready? Some days it's yes, some days it's no. Do we look into adoption. Do I want to adopt? Some days it's yes, some days it's no.

But I will say the one thing I know I'm ready for, and that is to be a parent. And I know I'm willing to do anything to get our babies here. We've already made the decision that the option of living childfree is not in the picture for both of us. We don't like the idea of a donor egg or sperm, I'd rather adopt. And I wouldn't mind using a surrogate, but it's so freaking expensive. I know some day I will have a child. But I know that having a child, whether biological or adopted, will not cure my infertility. And if I did miraculously have a biological child, the infertility will still be there when the time comes that my child asks for a brother or sister. I've come to accept that my infertility is something that will be a life long battle. It will always be there. Learning how to cope with it, and incorporate it into my life is, and continues to be a challenge. I don't think my insecurities and emotions from my infertility will ever go away.

One thing about being in the middle is that it is safe. No risks, no changes, everything is the same. I'm still not pregnant and probably won't get pregnant without help. What's frustrating is that we still have unexplained infertility. I feel that's one of the reasons why we haven't moved forward with another IVF is because I'm afraid if we do it again, the same thing will happen and I'll have another miscarriage. We did do the expensive genetic testing and it came back normal...which is good, but bad in that they still haven't found out why it's been so difficult to get pregnant or why I've had two miscarriages. And where I've been pregnant before, I still have hope. I wish they could find something wrong so I could get closure, or make it easier for me to want to adopt. If I knew my uterus was incapable of carrying a child or I had ovarian cancer and had to have all my female organs removed so I could never get pregnant, I could morn it and move on with adoption. But because there is no "diagnosis" and everything looks "normal" it's hard for me to move on. Because I've been pregnant, I still have hope. Ugh, I hate hope.

My more humorous side thinks that having a surrogate or adopting would be great. Then I wouldn't have to worry about my body going out of whack with stretch marks and hormone changes. I wouldn't have the stress of being pregnant and constantly worrying if something is wrong or about having a miscarriage. I'd skip the scary labor part. Nor would I get postpartum depression. (I apologize to people ahead of time if I ever do get prego. I WILL be one of those annoying paranoid pregnant women/moms who will need a lot of TLC from the Doctor's office.) I've jokingly said that I think Michelle Duggar, from TLC's 19 Kids and counting should be my surrogate.

I called and tried to make an appointment the other day for an IVF consultation on one of those days I was feeling gung-ho about doing IVF again, but their computers were down, so I have to wait and call back when their computers are up and running again. Maybe it's a sign I should wait. (I'm always looking into "signs" with my infertility.) Haha. Who knows? Anyway, I'm still somewhere in the middle...not sure what I'm going to do. :P I think I want to do IVF again, but if it doesn't work for us, I want to get to the point where I can be more open minded about adoption. To be honest, adoption still scares me a little. All I know is that there is no where but moving forward into my future...sometime in the future, but just not right now. Now I want to stay safe in the middle. No risks, no changes, everything is the same, safe in the middle.

Royal Wedding

Okay, so you can laugh at me, but I have to admit I was somewhat intrigued with the whole Royal Wedding thing. Yes, I was one of those who woke up early to watch it at 2am, only to fall asleep after one hour of watching guest arrive. Blah! (Thank goodness for DVR!) If I would have known I was going to be watching a bunch of who's who and a hat-fashion show for an hour, I would have skipped it and slept in for an extra hour longer! Anyway, but don't worry, I wasn't obsessed to the point that I bought into any "Royal China" with pictures of Kate and Will. But I did watch the Lifetime movie about them. ;) Maybe the reason why I've been so into the whole thing is because they are around my age and it's that whole fairy tale thing....horse and carriage. But as we know, life after marriage isn't always a fairy tale. Of course there are the joys in marriage that make it a fairy tale, but no one talks about the difficulties after marriage, like infertility. As a little girl, I was spoon fed princes stories with happily ever after, and I ate it all up. Anyway....

So I posted a comment on facebook that I've been thinking about lately. I said "Congrats to Will & Kate! I thought the Royal Wedding ceremony was beautiful! But there was a lot mentioned about children. I hope she (they) don't have to deal with infertility. How would that be for pressure?" My friend posted a comment back telling me about a co-worker who grew up in Japan. She said "My co-worker grew up in Japan and got to witness the country's hype over their princess and her inability to concieve again after her daughter was born (of course, everyone was waiting for the boy...) she said it ruined the princess mentally and physically, the stress of being in the public eye under that type of scrutiny" and "Yes, and that was part of her point, that the press in Japan focused soley on the princess, as if it was her struggle alone..."

Kate is 29 years old. By her age, I had already been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, now I'm at 4 years of trying. I really hope they don't have to deal with infertility. I'm sure with the amount of money that went into their wedding, if they had to, I'm sure they'd have enough money to make sure a "Royal Heir" was born...by doing IVF over and over again till it worked. The thing that I like about Kate and Will is that they come across as a very normal couple, in a not so normal way of life. I'm sure they would do things "their way" and not the "old fashioned-expected-because-it's-only-propor way." So if, for instance they did have to deal with infertility, I could see them doing it their way, or breaking the "rules" a little. (surrogate/donor egg/adopt.) Like they "broke the rules" regarding their wedding vows by omitting the word "Obey." :) But who knows, under the pressure of being royalty and producing an heir, and in a lot of cases a "male" heir, I don't know what I would do.

As we learn, there is a lot to be learned about the past. And infertility has been around since biblical times. So I've already talked about biblical characters who've suffered from infertility, but there are others in my family history that have suffered from infertility as well. I have two aunts who were unable to have biological children and chose to adopt. My grandfather's sister along with her husband to live child free. But if we dive further into my family history, yes we find Royal's who dealt with infertility in their own way. They've even made movies about these people! And I'm kind of a geek who like those kind of movies. Even if the movies aren't completely accurate, since they are movies, they make for good stories. I am english, french and scottish and german, I think that's all? So basically I'm a european mut. From what I've been told, we have a family history connection to the english royal line. And I've been told I'm also related to William Wallace. Yes "Braveheart" William Wallace. So the two movies that come to mind are "The Other Bolyn Girl" and "Braveheart." In The Other Bolyn Girl, King Henry the 8th divorces his wife Catherine for not being able to produce him an heir, and marries Anne Bolyn who went crazy trying to get pregnant and had several miscarriages. She tried to get her brother to sleep with her to get her pregnant, that's how desperate and crazy! And both were beheaded. Her sister, Henry's mistress Mary, I believe gave birth to a girl: Elizabeth. Or maybe it was Anne's daughter? I can't remember. Well, anyway that was his only child he had that was of royal line, so it must have been Anne's daughter. I'm sure King Henry would never admit, but he probably was the source of the infertility. And then in Braveheart, though the princes was not infertile, her husband the prince was a homosexual and according to the movie, didn't even have sex with her. That would be very difficult!!! I'm sure she felt a lot of pressure to reproduce an heir! So how was she to get prego? Handsome Mel Gibson (William Wallace) of course! There are two other movies that I like that also involve infertility: "Marie Antoinette" with cute Kiersten Dunst and "The Dutchess" with Kiera Knightly. I'm not sure if I'm related to either one of these women, for that I would have to ask my mom. Since her side of the family is big on family history. Anyway! Talk about the pressure of having to produce a male heir!!! Ah!!! These women went through extraordinary and difficult things, and I have a great respect for them because I can relate. Even crazy Anne Bolyn. So even though I have infertility, others have experienced it. I'm not the only one, even if it sometimes feels like it. I'm just glad I'm not a royal. :P

Interview for ldsinfertility.org

So here are the interview questions and answers for being interviewed by ldsinfertility.org:

How long have you been dealing with infertility? My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for four years. This struggle has included two miscarriages, thus far. My first miscarriage was after a year and a half of trying, while I was on clomid. The baby had no heartbeat on the ultrasound, and had stopped growing during week six. Though I had a miscarriage, which was difficult, I thought: "Hey I got pregnant, it'll happen again!" So we optimistically continued to try, and try, and...nothing. Finally after a year after our miscarriage, and no pregnancy on clomid, we sought the aid of a Reproductive Endocrinologist at The University of Utah, Reproductive Center. We did a few rounds of IUI's without results, which led us to do IVF. We did our first IVF cycle in May 2010 which resulted in my second miscarriage. We were devastated. What also makes it difficult is that we don't have an answer or diagnosis to explain why I have difficulty getting pregnant and maintaining pregnancy. We have unexplained infertility. What has been the most hurtful thing someone has said or done? How have you responded? Oh my goodness, I have a list. I'll try to keep this short and straight to the point. There are eight types of responses I've come across so far. Type 1: The Smug Mom-they brag about how easy it was for them to get pregnant. Type 2: The Joker-they feel uncomfortable, so they try to use humor, but in actuality they are humiliating you with their comments. Type 3: The Blamer: They validate everything bad you have thought about yourself. For instance: "You waited too long." Type 4: The Miserable Parent-they complain how hard it is to be a parent. Type 5: The Know-It-All. They say "Have you tried this or that?" or "You should try this or that." Type 6: God's Messenger- They say "Maybe it's God's way of telling you that you won't have kids and you should adopt." Type 7: Overly Anxious Person-who once you tell them you are struggling with infertility they will constantly check in on you. "Are you feeling okay today?" Type 8: The Innocent Child-in their world, only a mommy, a daddy and brothers and sisters exist. They don't understand and are confused that you don't have children. The most hurtful people I've come across so far have been Type 1, 4, and 6. There is no one or right way to respond because it depends on the situation. Sometimes I keep my mouth shut, while other times if I'm brave enough, I try to educate them about infertility. What has been the most valuable thing someone has said or done? How have you responded? Most of the time when I open up to people about our struggle with infertility, all they want to do is offer solutions. "Have you tried this or that?" Which is not helpful. But I have one really good friend who just listens to me. She doesn't judge or offer solutions, she listens and validates me, my fears, and my hopes. The most valuable thing has been having someone who listens. Where have you found strength? How do you cope? I find strength and hope through my own mother and my miracle "baby" sister. I am the oldest of four children, three of which she had no trouble getting pregnant with, but after my sister JaNae was born, the doctors found that she had endometriosis. I witnessed my mother struggle eight years following her third child to try to conceive again for a fourth child. Even I, at the age of ten can remember feeling as though someone was missing from our family. When I was ten she had a miscarriage, and finally two years later, and despite the doctors telling her that she wouldn't be able to have anymore children, she got pregnant with my baby sister Jessica. I feel the same way now, struggling with infertility. That someone is missing in our little family. I often will have dreams of a child, in particular a little girl, and being a mom. I try to draw strength due to my belief that the little spirit that is going to join our family is trying to tell me that they are there and waiting to join us too. Of course the experience of infertility is filled with troubles, what has been the most challenging part of your journey? I would say the most difficult and challenging part of infertility has been dealing with the roller coaster ride of emotions. Depression and isolation. Hope followed by disappointment, month after month, year after year. Especially when I finally saw a positive pregnancy test, only to find out I lost my babies. It's easy to let yourself finally become numb and lose faith. Women are already emotionally hormonal beings anyway. Add Infertility to your life, and your emotions are exacerbated ten times. One minute I'm fine, and the next minute, some thought or comment can trigger an emotional breakdown. Some days are so difficult that I just want to go home, straight to bed and cry. I recently began seeing a therapist whose been able to help me work through my grief and break down my barriers of fear. The teachings of the Gospel are centered on families, how have you made sense of infertility within this framework? How have you found a place of belonging when it is easy to feel isolated and so different? In all honesty, I do feel very isolated at church so it is difficult for me to answer this question. I not only feel isolated at church, but in society in general as well. I have, however found a place of belonging which is with my infertility support group through Resolve.org. What advice would you give to other couples dealing with infertility? Reach out and find others going through the same thing. Find a support group! Don't be afraid to open up about your struggle with infertility. Silence only makes it easier to isolate yourself and fall into depression. Talk to each other, and let your spouse know what you need or don't need from them. Take time to listen to what they need. For instance: My husband and I are on different pages when it comes to adoption. He's ready to adopt now, and I am not ready to take that step. We would get in arguments all the time about it. It wasn't until I listened to what his needs were, that I realized he needed to be reassured that I wasn't going to wait till I was 40 years old before I was going to consider adoption. I reassured him that I would do what ever it took to become a mother and that becoming a mother was more important than me becoming pregnant with our own biological child. I told him that I needed him not to pressure me into adoption when I wasn't ready for it. I told him that I know adoption is great and I see the good that comes from it, but seeing that adoption has helped other people doesn't negate the fears I have about adoption. I have to work through those fears before I could be ready to take that step. Even though we had a disagreement, by talking with each other, we are now on the same page, and we understand one another. What is something you have learned that you would have not learned otherwise? I've learned that I can not blame myself. I could try to find some lesson to be learned from this trial, but this is life, and part of life is suffering. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I could torture myself with all of my imperfections and past sins to find a reason why we're struggling with infertility. But that is what Satan would want me to do. I know Satan wants to project his depression on us because he will never be able to have a family of his own. Keeping an eternal perspective is what allows me to see beyond my grief. Infertility is just one realm of life. What is another realm where you have found joy and great fulfillment? I try to take care of myself where I can. So I exercise, yoga, swimming, take my dogs on walks. I go get massages periodically. My husband and I like to travel. (when we can afford to.) I also blog about infertility: www.mormonchickwithsoggyeggs.blogspot.com to get my feelings out there. Is there a scripture or Conference Talk that has been particularly helpful and comforting to you? Which one? Why? Ironically the Ensign, April 2011 issue recently came out with an article on infertility, by Melissa Merrill called Faith and Infertility. Normally when I get the Ensign in the mail, I flip through the articles and all I see are articles relevant for families with children. Usually it gets set aside with all the other unread Ensigns. This article was exactly what I needed. In all honesty I have lost a lot of faith. It was inspiring to read about other couple's who have struggled with infertility as well and who were so candidly open about their battle with infertility. One woman admitted she felt anger towards God. Another questioned their own personal spirituality and tried to find reason or fault with themselves, for their cause of infertility. I have felt all those feelings. I also try to remind myself that the Bible does not include too many stories about women. But the few women who are mentioned in the Bible are women like Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth who also struggled with infertility. Is there a quote that has been inspiring to you?. "And now as I said concerning faith-faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things: therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." Alma 32 vs. 21 "41. But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from your afflictions." Alma 34 vs. 41 How has this adversity changed your marriage? What have you done to strengthen your marriage? When my husband was going through months and months of unemployment, I saw how it affected him. No matter what I did, I could not help him. I saw him feel as though he had lost his identity. No matter how many resumes he handed out, it was still out of his control. There was only so much he could do. Likewise, going through infertility has been a similar process for me. I've felt as though I've lost my identity as a woman. Despite all the fertility treatments we sought, it is still in God's hands to deliver us a child. We have learned to connect on a deeper level because of these trials and can relate to one another's frustrations.

Support Group

Funny how things line up and fall into place. Or should I say; ironic how things happen which place you in a situation you were meant to be in. I'm talking about the Infertility Support group I'm in. I KNOW I was meant to meet this group of amazing women. Let me tell you, within the span of three months, things have happened to me that I know some supernatural force or guardian angel has led me to.

I think I told you about how I found this group, right? Well, if not I will recap: I was walking my disobedient dogs in my neighborhood, and on my way home I came across a commercial building, literally behind our condos, with the sign on the front door saying "Fertility By Design." I thought "What? A fertility place right behind my house and I never knew it was there." Well I hurried home to go online and check this fertility by design out. All I found was a website, but on this website was a link to the Resolve website. (The National Infertility Association's website.) I'm still not sure what this place is behind my house, but I am so thankful that it led me to Resolve's website, because there was where I found the contact info. for a infertility support group in the Salt Lake area. Ironically, the woman who started this group, just barely formed the group. In fact, this group hadn't even had it's first official meeting yet. (Funny how I found it just as it was starting.) Nothing like this exsisted before, or at least anywhere close to where I live. (Unless I wanted to drive more than an hour away.)

I've only been to two meetings so far, and I'm looking forward to our next meeting tomorrow night. Unfortunately we only meet once a month. Within the first few minutes of our first meeting, I knew I was suppose to be there. For the first time, I felt like I was not alone. That I wasn't the only bunny rabbit who wasn't reproducing like a bunny rabbit. I felt like I could open up about my infertility in a way that I wasn't able to open up before. Like I wasn't going to be judged about what I was saying or thinking because the other women were saying and thinking the same exact things I was.

Soon after our second support group meeting, I was at work, glancing up at our TV on the ceiling, (I work at a dental office.) watching the Today Show. Crock pot recipes!!! So when I had a quick break, I went online to get the recipes, and in the left corner of Today's website, there was a story about a woman, a news reporter, who was breaking the silence about her infertility. She happened to lead a Resolve support group in her city. The Today show was talking about infertility!!!! (Finally!!!) Not only were they talking about infertility, they were talking about the same support group I belonged to! Having the Today show talk about infertility was like People magazine putting and actress who's also struggling with infertility on the front cover. (without a happy ending with a baby.) My co-workers even delighted with me in hearing about the media covering infertility. I didn't have time to look at the video clip at work, but luckily, one of my support group members also saw the clip on the Today show and e-mailed all of us the link. So that was the first thing I did when I got home....I of course posted a comment on the Today show's link. :P

Okay, so you think that would be enough, right? No! Literally a few days later, I get an e-mail from our infertility group leader, saying that our local ABC 4 news wanted to interview our support group! I wasn't sure I would make it because they wanted to start the interview at 5pm...well, I get off work at 4:30...sometimes 5pm. And I would still have to drive down from Ogden to their station in Salt Lake. Luckily, my last patient didn't show up for his appointment at 4pm, so I dashed out of there. And the next thing you know, I'm on the news, talking about infertility along with other members of our support group! This was a great opportunity to break the silence. I know there are other women out there, suffering silently who need to find us and have support. I wasn't afraid of showing my face on TV about this if I knew I would be helping someone else.

So even amongst all of this stuff happening, I am still finding the urge to feed my addiction and try to get pregnant. I'm one of those "lucky" ones who can feel when I ovulate...instead of lucky, I would say with infertility, it's more like I'm "cursed." Because you start to count up how many times you've had sex in the last few days, and think..."Okay, we're covered...4 times. This month, for sure we will get pregnant." or "We've only had sex once in the last few days...just one more try, that will be the icing on the cake." Knowing when you ovulate makes sex torture, miserable, and takes all the fun out of it. I no longer tell my husband if I've ovulated. That is the worst thing on a marriage.

What is worse is the two week wait period. Especially for me. Within a few days after I ovulate, something in my body changes...hormones. Progesterone surge. For me, this means depression starts. Immediately, my feelings of being okay, positive, and content go right out the door. It's like my body knows I've already lost the battle this month, and I still have another two weeks to go before I officially start my period. I literally break down in tears so easily, and question if I need to be on an antidepressant. I've been on them before during school to help with test anxiety. But I get the worst side effects. The reason why I'm blogging tonight was to literally pull myself out of one of my crying spells, panic attack, what ever you want to call it. My poor husband takes the brunt of these. He does pretty well handling me for the most part, but then sometimes he gets frustrated and starts pushing adoption again. Which doesn't help and only makes it worse. He's ready to adopt. I'm not there yet. I don't want to hear a solution, I only want to feel like my feelings are validated. He did make me (buy take-out) dinner for me tonight. Which is just what I need. When I feel this way, the last thing I want to do is make dinner and take care of him or the dogs. I need the nurturing. That's why I'm looking forward to tomorrow's support group meet. I need it.

Distractions

I needed a distraction. I found it. Painting the walls in our basement. What triggered this? Well, 1/20/11 was and would have been our due date from our IVF "failure/miscarriage." I knew this day was going to be hard for me. Marc was going to be in class that night, which meant another night spent alone, morning over what could have been. Normally, I would have balled myself up on the couch or in my bed crying for hours. (Obviously I've been depressed lately.) But I was tired of doing this...I need to move on. Luckily, that day at work was so busy, running behind with patients, that I didn't have time to be bombarded by my demon thoughts of infertility. I was asked by a patient what my plans were for the upcoming weekend. I didn't have any plans, but I blurted out painting my basement. I had already picked out a color from the previous week, but I wanted Marc's blessing on the color before I did it...but I thought: "Screw it! I'm doing this for me. I don't need anyone's approval. It's just paint. If we don't like it we can paint over it." So the color I picked was Bear's "Natural Gray." You're probably thinking Gray??? Depressing color for a basement, right? With gray, you can go one of two ways: yes; depressing, or clean and beautiful. Well, I'd say it's the latter. It's more of a light purplish gray color. I thought of listening to Dave Matthew's Band on my ipod, particularly "Grey Street" while I painted, but I chose to paint in silence that night. I've almost completed the basement now. And now I'm on to my next distraction....furniture. We have a hammy down couch and TV that my in-laws passed down to us, so I don't need to worry about that. But I do need (or want) some bookcases to stand alongside of the TV. I also want to get some mirrors, curtains, pictures, and spray paint a picture frame white, and spray paint some of Marc's old furniture white as well. You know, the nick/nack stuff of the room.

Of course, as I'm decorating this large basement room, I'm still haunted by my childless thoughts. As I look to a portion of the room, which is divided by the couch, that I hope to turn into a play area for a future child. I think how pretty pinks would look with the gray. Blues, reds, yellows may also look good. Would I give it a theme, like a safari for a boy, or a princes palace for a girl? Do I torture myself by going to a kids store and start stocking up on puzzles, books, toys, stuff animals...no. Not now anyway. Now I'm on the hunt for bookcases. Grown up things. The room looks good so far, and Marc likes the color. But painting got me through that week. I would say, overall that last month I've only had a few crying spells. Which is an improvement over the last few months. We'll see how this new month goes...as I approach my "two week wait period"....ugh....